About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.
For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.
I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.
Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.
I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.
Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.
If you pray, please send some prayer my way.
Thanks for reading.
Link to the Poetry
If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).
I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website HitRecord. Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.
I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.
Here are a few of my favourites:
“YOU MAKE MY EARTH QUAKE!”
This song has been on repeat on my my playlist for the past 2 weeks. I don’t know why I just found out about this song but it is amazing. I love the fact that it is an R&B song with an electronic music element weaved throughout. I haven’t listened to much from artist Tyler, The Creator, but I for sure will look more into his catalog after this one.
So far, in my life, I have felt like everything has been behind. Tonight, for the first time in months, everything slightly clicked into place for me and that feeling of wanting to be the best returned. For the first time in a long time I was able to envision myself being where I want to be and doing things that I love. I decided to create a list of goals for myself to follow from now until the end of 2020 (so, for a year and 4 months ish):
- Go to the gym 3 times a week
- Lose 30 pounds
- Pay off my credit card and student loan debt
- Make a solid group of girlfriends (or just friends, I don’t discriminate)
- Walk my dog 5 days per week
- Become a Teaching Assistant
- Just do generally well in school
- Find a quality project to focus on
- Develop one technical skill
- Read one book every month
This may sound like a lot, but it is not and these are all things that will hopefully make my 2021 one prosperous. I will also finish my Master’s degree in 2021, so that will be a good time to regroup and make new goals.
EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU!
I love this song! Its a cute little ode to a love that’s lost, but in the early stage of being lost. This song is basically about being on a break or a new break up and then realizing that you truly love and want to be with that person but it also feels like understanding that its okay to love someone and know that its time to move on. I just also think that this is a great song and well written. While Shawn Mendes did record this song, we all know that Teddy Gieger (his trusty ghost writer) penned this song, and she wrote it around a time when she broke up with her Fiance.
Overall, the lyrics are simple and repetitive but this is a quality top 40 pop song. Happy Listening!
Hello Everyone! Sorry that it has been so long since my last book review. I was in a bit of a reading drought and I really couldn’t focus on any new books. I also realized that I no longer like reading ebooks, so I now have to venture to the book store (or Amazon Prime) to find new and good hard-copy reads! I finished this book last month and I never really go around to writing this review because I was busy, but here we are and here we go! Hopefully, this book is something that you will enjoy and pick up to read!
Dirty Rush is a book about and authored by the same person, Taylor Bell. Taylor is academically superior and she gains a full ride scholarship to the same school that her mom and her sister have attended. Both her mom and her sister were in the same sorority during their undergrad and they expect Taylor to join as well. Taylor is ultimately against joining and intends to spend all of her social time with her gay best friend (I have forgotten his name y’all), however, the sorority girls have other plans for her and they use various tactics to convince her to join. She is also in love with this super attractive and athletic guy (also don’t remember his name) and she eventually gets to date him as this book goes on.
After all of her resistance at the beginning of the book, she eventually realizes that she likes these girls, joins the sorority, and finds her forever friends. Yes, there is a bit of drug selling induced drama but overall, it was a good little read that I enjoyed while riding the subway. My favourite part of the book is when her boyfriend at the time breaks up with her during her weakest moment and the moment of her greatest embarrassment. A fake sex tape of Taylor was leaked and because her boyfriends sorority brothers didn’t approve of the video, he had to break up with her to save his reputation. This action comes full ridicule when he comes back to reconcile with her, looking dishevelled and acting like a total drunk mess. Sometimes, life is really about how you treat people and Karma is always a big bitch.
Overall, I would give this book 3/5 stars. It was a fun book and it was written pretty well, but the drama came in too late, it lasted too briefly, and while we saw great character growth, the growth of her supporting friends could have been elaborated on to add more strength to the text. Anyways, if you’re looking for a quick and fun read, then this is it for you!!!!