Drunk Me

I was watching my Instagram stories as usual and I saw a drunk girl in the back of an uber belting out the words to this song. I didn’t know what the song was so I sent the Insta story to one of my country music loving friends. She was obviously able to identify the song quickly for me so I thought I should share it here since I have been listening to it every time I walk my dog lately.

Drunk Me is a song by Country Singer Mitchell Tenpenny. The song is about a man with a drinking problem who was super problematic due to his drinking problem, losing the love of his life and then choosing to stop drinking after she is gone. Isn’t this a time old tale – you don’t know what you got till its gone? The song is great but deeply problematic in many ways. It basically sympathizes with a drunk man who probably abusing his partner when intoxicated. While it is a hit song, there is a lot to unpack while listening to it. Otherwise, you can aimlessly enjoy this song or you can spend your time analyzing it for fun.

Zoom Into These Virtual Events

Quarantine can be tough. Being alone and social isolated can be even more difficult! Now that we are heading back to work and things are re-opening, we have the opportunity to get back out there and interact with the world. I know that I should have done this post earlier, but for those of you that are wanting to find opportunities to engage online, this is for you!

The Tiny Cupboard is described as “the worlds smallest venue located in Brooklyn”. While it is a small event space in real life, it became a large event space on Zoom. They have various free events that you can virtually attend and you can find them here.

If you have the means and enjoy an event you attend, please donate to them as the money goes straight to the online talent!

Some of the events that they host online are as follows:

• Live Virtual Stand Up Comedy Show: Unemployment Edition – I love this one! It is a nice relaxing event to listen to others jokes and have a laugh after a stressful work from home day.
• Improvised Tarot Readings: A Hilarious Evening – The Host of this event is super hilarious! I guarantee that you will love this event too!
• Virtual Philosophy Salon – I actually enjoyed this the most. It is a small, intimate group of people discussing their believes on a topic of choice. I found that it made my night the most.

They used to have an event called Rude Zoom Bar which got cancelled, but I absolutely loved that event and the comics and I hope that they one day bring it back!!!

If you have a chance to sign up for any of these virtual events, I guarantee that you will not be disappointed! I look forward to seeing you all there!

Oh Grandmother, No More PLEASE

I have had the worst week.

My grandma, who has dementia, has been accusing me of things that I never did after a fight that we had.

My grandmother is very toxic and negative. Even before her dementia became something of concern, she never treated me well. She would yell at me like a dog and say quite racist things to me. She told me that there was no where for me to sleep in her home and that I couldn’t eat because other people need food. The way she treated me growing up was very mean. I could never do anything right.

When I got older, she made me do things for her every night and she would yell at me in the most ferocious way if I did not. I was her slave to do things for. She was never nice to me.

When her personality and health began to deteriorate, she began to lean on me for everything. For her health care, for her groceries, for her social interaction – FOR EVERYTHING. I was the best I could possibly be for her at the time.

I am not a perfect person. I have my flaws. But I tried hard to ensure that she had the best quality of life as possible.

My grandmother does not like my mom at all. She defames her character quite often. On August 31, 2020, my grandmother began to accuse my mom of things that were not true. What happened next I will admit that I am not proud of at all.

I began to yell at her and I slammed her door 3 times, breaking my watch in the process. Anger consumed me. How could I sit there and continue to accept the lies that she had been telling about my mother for years, especially with the magnitude that they were? It was terrible and she would not see reason. I gave her back her house keys and vowed not to return.

Do I like my grandmother? No.

Do I feel bad for her as a human? Yes.

No one deserves to be sad and alone, despite how evil they are (and oh boy is she the devil in disguise).

I am disgusted by the way I behaved. Sometimes when I get angry, I turn into a nightmare. I hate it. I haven’t had an outburst in about 3 years. I do not feel good about this.

Ultimately, it is never emotionally easy to cut off family, especially an older senior like a grandmother. It is time though. I have to let her go for my own sanity.

I hope you can understand.

BLM & Anti-Racism Resources

Disclaimer: I got this resource list from the Almost 30 Podcast Group’s Google Doc, however, I thought that it was such good quality and important information that I wanted to share it here on my blog!

Doing the work – that is something that we all need to do at this time. Learning and unlearning is also something that is important. I have been looking for the right resources to provide the Rainbow Glazed Nights community with (all 170 of you) and I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to share a comprehensive list of resources that I have found. They are listed below!

Anti-Racism Organizations: 

• Black Lives Matter
• Movement for Black Lives
• Campaign Zero
• The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)
• NAACP
• Southern Poverty Law Center 
• Reclaim the Block
• Minnesota Freedom Fund
• Black Visions Collective
• Unicorn Riot
• Color of Change
• Until Freedom

Petitions:

• Change.org
• Juscticeforbigfloyd.com
• Naacpldf.org
• Act.colorofchange.com 
• Black Lives Matter petitions.
  • To find your local Black Lives Matter Chapter head to https://blacklivesmatter.com/chapters/

Bail Funds:

• National Bail Fund Network  
• The Bail Project Centralized national organization with regular bail posting in a number of individual cities, which may be providing protest support depending on city and bail amounts
• NAACP Legal Defense Fund

Verified GoFundMe’s:

• George Floyd Family https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd 
• Tony McDade Family https://www.gofundme.com/f/in-memory-of-tony-mcdade

Articles to Read:

• The Human Rights Campaign and 100+ LGBTQ Organizations Release Letter Condemning Racial Violence 
• How to Make this Moment the Turning Point for Real Change – Barack Obama
• To Stop, Listen and Act: How you can help protestors and the Black Lives Matter Movement 
• Articles by Rachel Cargle with Harper’s Bazaar
• Mapping Police Violence Project
• Police Erupt in Violence Nationwide
• Freedom to Thrive: Reimagining Safety and Security in Our Communities
• The Only Solution is to Defund the Police 
• The Hidden Privilege in Design
• White Supremacy Culture (Tema Okun)
• CoryCollins: What is White Privilege Really?
• *White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh
• What is White Supremacy? (Betita Martinez; 6 pp.)
• White Women doing White Supremacy in Nonprofit Culture by Heather Laine Talley
• https://www.whiteaccomplices.org/
• Dismantling Racism
• +Decolonization is not a metaphor
• How White Feminists Oppress Black Women: When Feminism Functions as White Supremacy, Monnica T. Williams

Literature: 

• “Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor” by Layla F Saad
• Sister Outsider – Audre Lorde
• “The Race Track: Understanding and Challenging Structural Racism.” by Kimberle Crenshaw
• “How to be anti-Racist” by Ibram X Kendi
• “The New Jim Crow” by Michelle Alexander
• “I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness” by Austin Channing Brown
• “So You Want to Talk About Race” by Ijeoma Oluo
• “This Book is Anti-Racist” by Tiffany Jewell
• “White Rage” by Carol Anderson
• “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates
• https://www.nytimes.com/…/antiracist-reading-list-ibram-x-k…
• https://www.vogue.co.uk/…/a…/black-lives-matter-reading-list
• https://www.commonsensemedia.org/…/how-white-parents-can-us…

Accounts to follow:

• @thisisyolandarenteria: Therapist and psychoeducator 
• @aclu_nationwide: A nonprofit, nonpartisan, legal and advocacy 
• @blklivesmatter: Official Black Lives Matter Instagram
• @grassrootslaw @colorofchange @theconsciouskid @rachel.cargle @phenomenal @thegreatunlearn @lalahdelia @maryamhasnaa @alex_elle
• @laylafsaad @rachel.cargle @tiffanyjana @ericaford_ilovemylife @mspackyetti @paolamendoza @sarahsophief @professor_crunk @aijenp @irincarmon @aminatou @chasinggarza @roxanegay74 @eandiola @kkellyyoga @shishi.rose @jamiaawilson @msladyjustice1 @naomiwadler @tabithastb @geenarocero @officialdham @wirelesshogan @tiphanimontgomery @jamiraburley @amandaashcr @reshmasaujani  @seemiaroll @sorayachemaly @jesslivmo @angelarye @rachelsklar @carritwigg @feministabulous @taranajaneen @monachalabi @israhirsi @ayanaeliza @crownpeace @janetmock @amandaseales @ijeomaoluo @lsarsour @paoramos @jodikantor @zoebuckman @chanel_porchia @nitikachopra @tamikadmallory @anjalikumar @meena @honeybook @wherechangestarted @tamikadmallory

Movies + TV Shows to Watch:

• Dear White People , Netflix
• If Beale Street Could Talk, Hulu
• Selma, Available to rent now
• I am Not your Negro, James Baldwin documentary, available to rent now
• King in the Wilderness, HBO
• American Son, Netflix
• When They See Us, Ava Duvernay
• 13th, Ava Duvernay
• Freedom Riders, Amazon Prime

Lists of films about Black history, history of white supremacy in the US and more

• https://www.theantiracisteducator.com/…/looking-for-anti-ra…
• http://www.coming-together.org/…/more-information-about-fi…/
• https://www.detroitnews.com/…/black-history-movie…/39066767/

Podcasts:

• Momentum: A Race Forward Podcast- Kimberle Crenshaw’s “intersectionality matters” 
• Bound for Justice: Your weekly podcast that explores Race, Reconciliation, and Social Justice.
• Code Switch, NPR
• 1619, The New York Times
• Pod Save the People, Crooked Media
• That’s Not How That Works
• https://bellocollective.com/16-podcasts-that-confront-racis…
• http://whitesforracialequity.org/podcasts/

Self-Education Resources:

• policing.civilrights.org/toolkit/
• obama.org/anguish-and-action
• Rachel Cargle’s “Revolution Now” address 
• The Great Unlearn
• How to be an antiracist, a recorded video talk by professor Ibram X. Kendi
• Kirwan Institute Implicit Bias Training 
• Talking About Race
• The Loveland Foundation

Workshops

• Spiritual Activism with Rachel Ricketts – online, $55 for white and white passing people
•  The Avarna Group Workshops
• Monique Melton Diversity Coach
• Crossroads Anti-Racism Organizing and Training

Just Don’t Be a Racist

The media has been making me very depressed lately.

As a black woman, I have found myself becoming very anxious about the fact that so many people do not like me simply because I am black.

I am not one to try to appeal to the masses, but to know that I have turned people off simply because of the colour of my skin, has been very difficult to bear. I think I always knew this, but having in thrown back into my face on the News, Social Media and through day to day interactions has made me even more concerned.

I have never truly felt unsafe before until now.

Overall, I do not think that Black Lives Matter is a political issue – it is simply a human rights issue. Just look at the Statistics and you will see how/why this is a human rights issue.

What makes me sad is that so many people think that it is a Liberal/Conservative problem. You can be a Trump Supporter and CHOOSE not to be a racist. You can be anyone on this planet earth and just not be racist. The problem here is racism – both at the institutional and individual level.

I keep on hearing this phrase -“well, any one can be racist”. While this is true, it is far more damaging when a White person is racist due to the fact that they have a monopoly on our institutions. Look at this calculation I just made up for a second:

Individual x Institutional = Systemic Racism

What do I mean by this. For every one individual you have that is racist, you have one person in an institution that is racist. Now, add a bunch of homogeneous people with similar ideologies to one institution and you have Systemic Racism.

Think of the Coronavirus, or COVID 19, or viruses in general:

Think of the virus as the Racist Individual and think of the infected as the People already in the Institution. For every person with the virus that gets added into the infected group, you are growing the size of the infected pool. And while knowing who has the virus (or in the case who is the racist) is helpful, there are some people outside of this group that are asymptomatic (subconsciously racist). In both scenarios, this is very damaging to the entire environment and creates a systemic issue.

Maybe my anaolgies are not correct and maybe they suck, but they help me to make snese of this situation.

I do not want any one to be offended – I want everyone to be aware.

If you are looking for more anti-racism resources, please see the following link:

Anti Racism Resources

– Advice from a 30something Blog

Baby Can I Hold You

This song has been in my head for the past two days. I knew all of the words but I just could not remember the artist. I decided to make a post about it so that I can remember it in the future!

Baby Can I Hold You is a song by artist Tracy Chapman. While it is a major throwback, it is definitely one of those beautiful love songs. I haven’t really had a chance to sit down and truly analyze it and find the deeper meaning and context. Maybe one day I will and update this post.

Intentions

One of my good friends tagged me in a tiktok video by Jenna Dewan and not only did I fall in love with her choreography but I also watched the video so many times that I started to like the song!

Video:

Her dancing is amazing!

After the 10th time of watching this video, I went to find this song. I knew that it was by Justin Bieber the minute I heard it because his voice is so distinct, but I was surprised that I hadn’t heard it before this! Anyways, it is a cool and mellow hip hop song and I actually find it quite enjoyable to listen to. Quavo from the Migos has a feature on the song which is actually a great added touch!

 

 

 

Limerence

What is Limerence?

Limerence – “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”

 

Last night, I was talking to my friend and I truly sat there and asked myself why and how I could possibly still be ‘in love’ with my ex. It has been 2.5 years since we broke up. Hes fully moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to him in this long. Honestly, I am starting to annoy myself with this. I am starting to feel like this is dumb and unnecessary. Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me?

A few quotes from my friends started to put things into perspective for me:

“When you started dating him, the you we knew walked out the door and never came back. Where did she go?”

“I don’t think you love him. I think you have somethings you need to work on”

“He may be good to her, but he wasn’t good to you and thats all that should matter”

 

As I sat here and reflected on a few of the comments made, I realized that my brain was bringing up the past and I wasn’t consciously having nightmares or dreams about my ex. I wasn’t thinking about him all day voluntarily. Why was I having these thoughts that caused me a whole lot of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression. It must be a mental illness of some sort. To be honest, I have always been a person that was great at letting people go, especially ex’s, so why was he any different?

When I typed my symptoms and feelings into Google, the term Limerence came up and I started to read articles on them and realized quickly that this is what I had. Realizing that there was a name for it and a way to move through it was actually so relieving. I think that I will write more about this in the future, especially as I work through learning more about this condition. In the meantime, here are a few articles that I found that should help to explain what Limerence is in more detail.

• Love Or Limerence? 11 Signs You’re In A Fantasy Relationship
• 7 Things To Remember When You’re Obsessing Over Someone Who Isn’t Obsessed With You
• 5 Dangerous Things That Happen To Your Brain When You Fall In Love – Especially With A Toxic Person

My goal for 2020 is to fill myself and my life with so much joy that I can overcome this feeling (or condition, depending on how you see it).

If any of you are experiencing or have experienced this, comment below!

Pearls.

I found this blog through the wonderful Harley Bang Bang that I followed on Twitter. I read this post and it actually brought tears to my eyes. This post is filled with things I need to hear, even 2 years out of a bad breakup. I hope that this resonates and helps anyone out there looking for some form of hope. I still have none, but this was quite nice to read.

HarleyBangBang

After my recent breakup, I felt all of the cliché textbook things you’re supposed to feel: sadness, anger, self-loathing, a sense that I wasn’t good enough. All of these feelings were exacerbated two months later when I happened to see my ex out and about with a new girl at a parade, her arms wrapped around him. Out of the *literally* 3 million people who attended this particular parade (including dozens of my friends), the only person I saw that day was him; an incredibly cruel move by fate leaving me sickened that he had moved on so quickly.

My mind started to wander to all kinds of negative places and I wondered whether I would ever be the kind of girl that someone fought for, rather than seemingly being so easy to walk away from. It certainly didn’t help that this girl was the physical opposite of me, leaving…

View original post 1,753 more words

Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.