Don’t we just all love finales? I was watching one of the final scenes of Girlfriends Guide to Divorce and I heard this lovely song. I have had it on repeat for the past week and I thought it would be great to share with all of you! Upside Down is a soul folk song by GoldFord and it is simply about not being able to let go of someone because of the beauty that they add to your life.
This post really resonated with me and I hope it can resonate with someone else too.
“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.”
– Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You
If someone told me a few short years ago that this quote would apply to me and my life right now, I’d look at my friends, look at the person, look back at my friends and then look back at that person (pause) and fall into a hysterical fit of laughter. See I never imagined I’d have no friends, I always had friends, even in secondary school when my ‘friends’ at the time turned on me, I found a new clique to hang out with, but I am not in secondary school anymore, I’m no longer a teenager, and the reality is friendships at least for me are harder to form and that’s not for lack of wanting.
I really don’t know what happened to all the close friends I once had…
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I feel like I am always in a predicament with people and friends. I am either losing them or fighting with them. Since my breakup, which I now understand the part I played in, I have found that I have had drama with my friends without even really trying. Its like I attract it just by saying something or anything.
And then I realized something.
These just were not my people.
I think if they were my people, they would invite and include me in things so I didn’t feel more alone. I think that they would tell people my ideas instead of trading them off as their own. I think they would check in on me more. I think they wouldn’t say mean things and I think they would respect me more. I wouldn’t feel like an outsider when I am with them.
Realizing that you have to let go of your girl squad is hard as fuck but sometimes its necessary. I believe that there are people out there in the world for you and for me and I will find them. Maybe not today but hopefully soon.
To be honest, none of this will matter my 30 and knowing this has taken a huge weight from off of my shoulders.
As a part of a Self-Discovery Mission, I decided to Travel to New York City in June 2018 all by myself. I would end up having an amazing time, meeting new friends, seeing old friends, loving my Airbnb and finding the best AirBnB experience of all time.
I have always loved listening to Podcasts and I thought that nothing could be better than to actually be on a podcast myself. When I saw the opportunity to feature on a World Famous Podcast, I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. While it was nerve wracking at first to be going to a strangers home to discuss random topics for the world to hear, it was really a wonderful and enlightening experience and the highlight of my trip from Toronto to New York City.
Luc is an amazing host and was such a pleasure to meet. From the amazing Turkish Coffee reading to the hilarious warm ups before the show, it was truly an eventful experience. Within 10 minutes of being in his apartment, I felt right at home and by the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend in New York City.
I left his Lower Manhattan setup that afternoon feeling hopeful about life and positive about my ability to make new connections. No matter where you go in the world, you will always find new people that feel similar to you and you can connect with them on various levels too. This experience taught me that and I am forever thankful that I will have this reminder to remember the day from.
I hope to one day have a podcast in Toronto where I can talk to strangers and become friends with them. I think that would be pretty amazing. To learn about others is the best way to get to know more about yourself. I think that this whole concept is pretty cool.
Thank you Murmur Podcast. Thank you Luc. Thank you New York City.
Link to the episode: MURMUR PODCAST
I heard this song come onto my shuffle playlist, while on a bus ride back from New York City, where I was sobbing over the memories of my ex-boyfriend.
I had downloaded some random Starbucks playlist before I left and I didn’t expect to find this gem of a song. I love Ray LaMontagne and I instantly fell in love with this song. His voice is just gorgeous. I think he is talking about a girl that he loves but that may not also be the best for him. All I know is that this song made me stop crying on that bus ride and for that I will forever be grateful.
I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.
I took very few pictures.
This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:
- This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
- Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
- I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
- A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
- Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
- I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
- I decided to change my life – I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
- I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
- I am only 23 – I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
- The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.
Thank you for reading.
- The people you thought would always be there for you won’t be when shit hits the fan
- You may be too much to handle
- You need to deposit a dollar into a piggy bank each day as a thanks to the Gods for still being alive so you can spend it on Starbucks when you feel better
- Some of your friends actually have unconditional love for you and you need to fight for them
- Things will be okay on some days and not on others
- It is completely okay to cry. People will get it and not care
- Put anything too stressful on hold for now and get to it later. Your mental health is more important than your timeline
- Walk every day
- Take your vitamins
- Find a blog that you resonate with. Mine is http://advicefromatwentysomething.com/