Limerence

What is Limerence?

Limerence – “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”

 

Last night, I was talking to my friend and I truly sat there and asked myself why and how I could possibly still be ‘in love’ with my ex. It has been 2.5 years since we broke up. Hes fully moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to him in this long. Honestly, I am starting to annoy myself with this. I am starting to feel like this is dumb and unnecessary. Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me?

A few quotes from my friends started to put things into perspective for me:

“When you started dating him, the you we knew walked out the door and never came back. Where did she go?”

“I don’t think you love him. I think you have somethings you need to work on”

“He may be good to her, but he wasn’t good to you and thats all that should matter”

 

As I sat here and reflected on a few of the comments made, I realized that my brain was bringing up the past and I wasn’t consciously having nightmares or dreams about my ex. I wasn’t thinking about him all day voluntarily. Why was I having these thoughts that caused me a whole lot of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression. It must be a mental illness of some sort. To be honest, I have always been a person that was great at letting people go, especially ex’s, so why was he any different?

When I typed my symptoms and feelings into Google, the term Limerence came up and I started to read articles on them and realized quickly that this is what I had. Realizing that there was a name for it and a way to move through it was actually so relieving. I think that I will write more about this in the future, especially as I work through learning more about this condition. In the meantime, here are a few articles that I found that should help to explain what Limerence is in more detail.

My goal for 2020 is to fill myself and my life with so much joy that I can overcome this feeling (or condition, depending on how you see it).

If any of you are experiencing or have experienced this, comment below!

Pearls.

I found this blog through the wonderful Harley Bang Bang that I followed on Twitter. I read this post and it actually brought tears to my eyes. This post is filled with things I need to hear, even 2 years out of a bad breakup. I hope that this resonates and helps anyone out there looking for some form of hope. I still have none, but this was quite nice to read.

HarleyBangBang

After my recent breakup, I felt all of the cliché textbook things you’re supposed to feel: sadness, anger, self-loathing, a sense that I wasn’t good enough. All of these feelings were exacerbated two months later when I happened to see my ex out and about with a new girl at a parade, her arms wrapped around him. Out of the *literally* 3 million people who attended this particular parade (including dozens of my friends), the only person I saw that day was him; an incredibly cruel move by fate leaving me sickened that he had moved on so quickly.

My mind started to wander to all kinds of negative places and I wondered whether I would ever be the kind of girl that someone fought for, rather than seemingly being so easy to walk away from. It certainly didn’t help that this girl was the physical opposite of me, leaving…

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Kitana

This has been my go to power walking song for the past two months. I first heard it on an episode of Netflix’s Trinkets and I thought it was a hype song. Now, I just love it. I haven’t listened to any other songs by Princess Nokia to date but maybe I will when I finally get sick and tired of this song.

Also, the song is named after a video game character from Mortal Kombat if that made it any cooler or enticed you to listen. Add this to your workout playlist if you dare!

 

Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.

The Most Beautiful Poetry

Link to the Poetry 

If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).

I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website HitRecord. Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.

I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.

Here are a few of my favourites:

Poem 1Poem 2Poem 3Poem 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EARFQUAKE

“YOU MAKE MY EARTH QUAKE!”

This song has been on repeat on my my playlist for the past 2 weeks. I don’t know why I just found out about this song but it is amazing. I love the fact that it is an R&B song with an electronic music element weaved throughout. I haven’t listened to much from artist Tyler, The Creator, but I for sure will look more into his catalog after this one.

 

Things I Want to Achieve By The End of 2020

So far, in my life, I have felt like everything has been behind. Tonight, for the first time in months, everything slightly clicked into place for me and that feeling of wanting to be the best returned. For the first time in a long time I was able to envision myself being where I want to be and doing things that I love. I decided to create a list of goals for myself to follow from now until the end of 2020 (so, for a year and 4 months ish):

  1. Go to the gym 3 times a week
  2. Lose 30 pounds
  3. Pay off my credit card and student loan debt
  4. Make a solid group of girlfriends (or just friends, I don’t discriminate)
  5. Walk my dog 5 days per week
  6. Become a Teaching Assistant
  7. Just do generally well in school
  8. Find a quality project to focus on
  9. Develop one technical skill
  10. Read one book every month

This may sound like a lot, but it is not and these are all things that will hopefully make my 2021 one prosperous. I will also finish my Master’s degree in 2021, so that will be a good time to regroup and make new goals.