Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.
1. As of today, this day, I commit myself to becoming a more peaceful and beautiful soul. I want to be able to listen more to the words of others in order to feel their souls. I want to put more happiness into this world. I want to rebuild myself and become a less toxic person. I want to start anew. I want to use my lessons from the past to shape who I am today without altering my personality. My goal is to be a good person and not a bad one like I was before.
2. My negative, pessimistic, and toxic energy has to go. I don’t have time for it anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I need to be the best person I know. That’s how and where I will find my happiness.
3. Something is calling me to work in Italy. I got a job offer to work there and something is telling me like this is the right decision for me. I would go because I feel like a month in the country I have always wanted to visit is the best form of clarity for me. I am searching for myself and my sense of purpose. I may have just found it.
1. I have to drop my final class today and I also have to finish an essay for my only class today. Sometimes I really feel like I have become a failure since my break up. I feel stuck in this place and even though goof things are happening everyday, I don’t feel like I am growing. Growth doesn’t happen over night, this I know, but I just want to feel whole again. I just want to feel like I can accomplish all again.
2. I want to be so successful. I want to earn a master’s degree and be successful at work and get a driver’s license and to move to a different city. I feel trapped by my surroundings. I am ready to leave and let go. I need to start my life over and I am craving this change.
3. I am having a sad day. I think it’s because I’m tired but maybe I’m feeling depressed again? I don’t know but I am kind of having a sad day. It’s a foggy day and the sun isn’t out So that could be it as well. I’m not too sure. I just want to be happy but don’t we all?
I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.
This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.
I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…
Going through a breakup has had me seeking inspiration from a variety of sources (on the internet and through people). These sources could simply be comedic or sad or happy but what I realized most of all is that I was looking for an answer to my heart ache and pain. I was looking for an answer to my disposition and sadness. I was looking for the answer from the world as to why someone couldn’t love me the way I loved them. Ultimately, I couldn’t find an answer but what I did find was a video on YouTube by Ashley C. Ford about love and risk.
Love and risk.
What does that mean?
I had to listen to this video 11 times before I truthfully had the answer I was looking for within myself. When you love someone, you risk it all for them. You fight. Ford said “Love is active”. When you love someone, you fight and open up yourself to someone else. You risk your heart in order to be with someone else. Love should make you grow and prosper. You fight for this to happen. As I listened to this talk I realized that while my relationship had love, it never had fight.
The second thing that Ford said was a quote from Maya Angelou, “Love Liberates, it doesn’t bind”. It really does. Love allows you to open up and to free yourself emotionally because you have found someone that you trust enough to break down your walls with and let in. You have found freedom in your love. That is a beautiful thing. She also said about her partner was, “he has never asked me to be less so that he could be more…he has only encouraged me to expand…he has liberated me in some ways”. I realized that in my relationship, I was not asked to be less so that he could be more, but I always FELT that I had to be less so that he could be more. I felt that I had to work less to give him more of my time so that he could be happy. I felt like I had to do less because he was doing nothing, and that made me feel stagnant and frustrated. I never felt liberated with this man. I felt stuck. I didn’t feel encouraged to expand. I felt encouraged to stand still. While he has now found some degree of success in his life (from what I can see), I have determined that we were not for each other as we could not spawn the desire for more within each other. We could not liberate each other. For that reason, you must let go.
The third thing Ashley Ford says, is that “Love will never let you down, ultimately”. We have all had our hearts broken in some way and we have all had to rebuild and restructure, but no matter what happens, loving someone and risking for them is never a mistake. I loved him fully and thoroughly and I tried hard to express this to him. While I held on for a bit too long and found it hard to let go, I know that there is a lesson to be learnt here and I am finding out what that is day by day.
I realized that the only way to move on is to inspire yourself to move on. You need to love and liberate YOURSELF. Take risks in your career, life and friendships. Expand on your knowledge of the world. Go on an adventure. Make new memories. Be free. You can always fall in love again, but you can never get time back. Go and be free.