What is Limerence?
Limerence – “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”
Last night, I was talking to my friend and I truly sat there and asked myself why and how I could possibly still be ‘in love’ with my ex. It has been 2.5 years since we broke up. Hes fully moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to him in this long. Honestly, I am starting to annoy myself with this. I am starting to feel like this is dumb and unnecessary. Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me?
A few quotes from my friends started to put things into perspective for me:
“When you started dating him, the you we knew walked out the door and never came back. Where did she go?”
“I don’t think you love him. I think you have somethings you need to work on”
“He may be good to her, but he wasn’t good to you and thats all that should matter”
As I sat here and reflected on a few of the comments made, I realized that my brain was bringing up the past and I wasn’t consciously having nightmares or dreams about my ex. I wasn’t thinking about him all day voluntarily. Why was I having these thoughts that caused me a whole lot of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression. It must be a mental illness of some sort. To be honest, I have always been a person that was great at letting people go, especially ex’s, so why was he any different?
When I typed my symptoms and feelings into Google, the term Limerence came up and I started to read articles on them and realized quickly that this is what I had. Realizing that there was a name for it and a way to move through it was actually so relieving. I think that I will write more about this in the future, especially as I work through learning more about this condition. In the meantime, here are a few articles that I found that should help to explain what Limerence is in more detail.
My goal for 2020 is to fill myself and my life with so much joy that I can overcome this feeling (or condition, depending on how you see it).
If any of you are experiencing or have experienced this, comment below!
Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.
I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.
This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.
I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…
Going through a breakup has had me seeking inspiration from a variety of sources (on the internet and through people). These sources could simply be comedic or sad or happy but what I realized most of all is that I was looking for an answer to my heart ache and pain. I was looking for an answer to my disposition and sadness. I was looking for the answer from the world as to why someone couldn’t love me the way I loved them. Ultimately, I couldn’t find an answer but what I did find was a video on YouTube by Ashley C. Ford about love and risk.
Love and risk.
What does that mean?
I had to listen to this video 11 times before I truthfully had the answer I was looking for within myself. When you love someone, you risk it all for them. You fight. Ford said “Love is active”. When you love someone, you fight and open up yourself to someone else. You risk your heart in order to be with someone else. Love should make you grow and prosper. You fight for this to happen. As I listened to this talk I realized that while my relationship had love, it never had fight.
The second thing that Ford said was a quote from Maya Angelou, “Love Liberates, it doesn’t bind”. It really does. Love allows you to open up and to free yourself emotionally because you have found someone that you trust enough to break down your walls with and let in. You have found freedom in your love. That is a beautiful thing. She also said about her partner was, “he has never asked me to be less so that he could be more…he has only encouraged me to expand…he has liberated me in some ways”. I realized that in my relationship, I was not asked to be less so that he could be more, but I always FELT that I had to be less so that he could be more. I felt that I had to work less to give him more of my time so that he could be happy. I felt like I had to do less because he was doing nothing, and that made me feel stagnant and frustrated. I never felt liberated with this man. I felt stuck. I didn’t feel encouraged to expand. I felt encouraged to stand still. While he has now found some degree of success in his life (from what I can see), I have determined that we were not for each other as we could not spawn the desire for more within each other. We could not liberate each other. For that reason, you must let go.
The third thing Ashley Ford says, is that “Love will never let you down, ultimately”. We have all had our hearts broken in some way and we have all had to rebuild and restructure, but no matter what happens, loving someone and risking for them is never a mistake. I loved him fully and thoroughly and I tried hard to express this to him. While I held on for a bit too long and found it hard to let go, I know that there is a lesson to be learnt here and I am finding out what that is day by day.
I realized that the only way to move on is to inspire yourself to move on. You need to love and liberate YOURSELF. Take risks in your career, life and friendships. Expand on your knowledge of the world. Go on an adventure. Make new memories. Be free. You can always fall in love again, but you can never get time back. Go and be free.