3 Things (19/05/2018)

1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.

2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?

3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.

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3 Things (01/05/2018)

1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?

2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.

3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?

3 Things (09/04/2018)

  1. Everyone is going through their own personal battles and you never know what it could be. Today, someone in my office began to cry because they had an emergency and I began to wonder if anyone would cry if something happened to me? I also found the hashtag #BraveNotBroken today on Twitter and I realized that my issues aren’t as severe as the issues of others my age, however, they are equally impacting on my life and well being. It was just great to see that I was not as alone as I feel, especially on a day like today.
  2. There is no reason for me to be sad at all today, yet I am. I am quite sad actually. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. I have so many good things going on in my life right now and I am trying to focus on how amazing and worthwhile these opportunities are for me, yet I am sad. I feel like a high-functioning depressed person. I am sad and depressed yet I am getting things done. Where is the satisfaction though?
  3. I have a job interview for the internship of a lifetime tomorrow and I am just as nervous for it as I am excited. I know that if I fail to get this position for the summer I will be very depressed, however, a part of me is super optimistic and sure about this. My gut is telling me that this is the push personally and professionally that I need in my life at this time. I just hope that everything works out.

3 Things (01/04/2018)

  1. Today is a bad day. My anxiety is high. Maybe I should take a walk. Maybe that will calm me down. I feel like crying. I don’t know why I am so sad today. I am not usually this emotional over nothing.
  2. I feel a loneliness that I can’t explain. I feel like I want to be hugged and held but there is no one to do that for me. It makes me sad. I miss being loved by someone.
  3. I don’t even know if I believe in love anymore. I should be more pessimistic than optimistic, but something restricts me from believing that there is more out there for me. In terms of career, I am the most optimistic person there is. In terms of love and romance, I couldn’t be hopeful even if I tried. Maybe, I just need to give up on it and stop thinking about it.

3 things (28/03/2018)

1. I have to drop my final class today and I also have to finish an essay for my only class today. Sometimes I really feel like I have become a failure since my break up. I feel stuck in this place and even though goof things are happening everyday, I don’t feel like I am growing. Growth doesn’t happen over night, this I know, but I just want to feel whole again. I just want to feel like I can accomplish all again.

2. I want to be so successful. I want to earn a master’s degree and be successful at work and get a driver’s license and to move to a different city. I feel trapped by my surroundings. I am ready to leave and let go. I need to start my life over and I am craving this change.

3. I am having a sad day. I think it’s because I’m tired but maybe I’m feeling depressed again? I don’t know but I am kind of having a sad day. It’s a foggy day and the sun isn’t out So that could be it as well. I’m not too sure. I just want to be happy but don’t we all?

“Man’s Rejection is God’s Protection”

“Man’s rejection, is God’s protection”

This is a quote that I have been living by lately.

Last week, I was listening to an episode of the Lady Gang podcast featuring Jeannie Mai from The Real. As I was listening, she was discussing a lost opportunity years prior to her success and how that rejection allowed her to find something better and more fulfilling. This quote was enlightening to me and I began to think about all of the times when rejection has spawned an otherwise positive outcome for me.

For example, I had been working in the same seasonal job position from my mid teens into my early 20’s. For the first time in 6 years, I was blindsided when I got an email that stated that my services would not be needed for that upcoming summer. I became frantic and depressed. I took the first job that was offered to me because I was so nervous to be unemployed, even though it wasn’t related to my field. When I went to job orientation, I became suddenly depressed and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I went home and cried but then I suddenly woke up and decided to apply to every job opportunity so that I could focus on my career and not my loss. When I opened my email, the company that I had previously interned at had a position open for me and I jumped at it! I have been there now for 3 years, working in my field of study and loving it.

The rejection in this case was my protection as it allowed me to grow in my career instead of basking in my comfort.

I think about my break up with my ex as well. His rejection was my protection. His rejection allowed me to self reflect and work on the parts of myself that weren’t so great. It also allowed me to learn that self love is the most important factor in life and that we can achieve this through a belief that we have the power to do all things because of a higher power (Call it God or not). I began to believe in the universe and this manifested into me believing in myself. I began to love the others around me more. Mostly, I learned to let go of people and negative situations that no longer served me.

I also learned what I did and didn’t want in a man so that hopefully I will get the chance to get love right in the future.

These were lessons I had to learn.

So, the next time you feel that getting declined for something is the worst thing in the world, always remember this: Man’s rejection is God’s Protection. You won’t see it right away, but you will soon see it manifest into a different and better opportunity.

Some articles:

http://theprayingwoman.com/sometimes-rejection-is-gods-protection/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/maddisen-k-krown/coping-with-rejection_b_2586145.html

Biking

I was watching HBO’s show, Insecure, which features the channels first all black cast. The show is like the black millennials Sex and the City, which has made it interesting and provided perspective. On the Last episode of season two, Frank Ocean’s single, Biking, was played as the final events played out. It was the perfect song for the end of the season and it is also one of the best Frank Ocean songs I have heard in a long time (mind the fact that I did not listen to Blonde, his latest release). I have attached the track. Give it a listen and check out HBO Insecure while you’re at it.

 

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