Pearls.

I found this blog through the wonderful Harley Bang Bang that I followed on Twitter. I read this post and it actually brought tears to my eyes. This post is filled with things I need to hear, even 2 years out of a bad breakup. I hope that this resonates and helps anyone out there looking for some form of hope. I still have none, but this was quite nice to read.

HarleyBangBang

After my recent breakup, I felt all of the cliché textbook things you’re supposed to feel: sadness, anger, self-loathing, a sense that I wasn’t good enough. All of these feelings were exacerbated two months later when I happened to see my ex out and about with a new girl at a parade, her arms wrapped around him. Out of the *literally* 3 million people who attended this particular parade (including dozens of my friends), the only person I saw that day was him; an incredibly cruel move by fate leaving me sickened that he had moved on so quickly.

My mind started to wander to all kinds of negative places and I wondered whether I would ever be the kind of girl that someone fought for, rather than seemingly being so easy to walk away from. It certainly didn’t help that this girl was the physical opposite of me, leaving…

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Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.

Look At Every Toxic Behaviour In Your Life

7ac4ff9ec3ef0618f8a044601cfed4b5In order to change your life, you need to look at every toxic behaviour in your life.

A lot of people hate to look at themselves and define themselves, especially the ‘ugly’ parts of their personalities. We all have faults and none of us are perfect.

In order to move forward, let go, and understand who YOU are, you need to understand how you got to that place. In order to grow, you need to become more emotionally intelligent. In order to become more emotionally intelligent, you need to understand how your negative (or toxic) behaviours have brought you to the place you are today. Only then can you change your future.

We all make mistakes in our pasts and some are more detrimental than others. It is important to understand that we can change our lives at any moment we decide to for the better. We cannot change the past but we can change the future. Once you understand that you can make your future much brighter than your past ever was, then you can start to grow and change as a person.

Commit to improving yourself by 1% per day, everyday, until you are the best version of you. Then, when you feel that you are the best you can be, put that 1% per  day into maintaining that sense of self you have created. You will feel much happier and healthier mentally when you do so.

Love yourself wholly enough to look at yourself completely. When you make peace with who you used to be, you can become who you NEED to be and your world will become a brighter place.

You can do it.

Maybe Travelling Will Help?

Since my awful break up this year, I have really felt confined by the space and place I am in. I am finishing up my undergrad and about to start a masters, but I feel trapped in my environment. My goal and hope for the remainder to 2018, is to be able to free my soul through deep mediation and travel.

I want to travel and see new places and create new memories and experiences. If after I travel, I am still unable to be happy with everything in life, then I will determine that most of what I feel is internal and not environmental.

On my travel bucket-list I will be attempting to visit:

  • Spain
  • Ottawa, ON, Canada
  • USA
  • Colombia

Lets see if I actually make it and follow my travel tab to see me write about my experiences.

The Mistakes You Make

a3a1e0eed2fb61b29d4eef4c2c319caf.jpgI am slowly learning day by day, that we all make mistakes. Some are big and some are small, but we all make mistakes. All mistakes can be forgiven, but some can never be forgotten. When our mistakes impact the people in our lives negatively, we must not seek reconciliation, we must look within to discover what within us needs to change.

 

 

When you hurt someone, something is wrong with you. You are manifesting a negative feeling that you are projecting onto another person. The answer to fix the problem is always within yourself.

 

You may never win back the affection of the people you hurt and that is okay. It will hurt and make you sad but always remember that you cannot change the past. You can take the lesson you have learnt and apply it to the future and become a more positive individual. You will make new friends and meet new people. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice with the new people that you meet.

When you are happy and you love yourself from within, you won’t make the same mistakes. Remember this, people come into your life for a reason and some stay for only a season. Maybe your mistake caused their season to end abruptly. That’s okay. It just means that their reason was to teach you a lesson about something within yourself that you need to fix.

It’s okay. Learn. Move forward. Forgive yourself. Don’t repeat the mistake.

“Man’s Rejection is God’s Protection”

“Man’s rejection, is God’s protection”

This is a quote that I have been living by lately.

Last week, I was listening to an episode of the Lady Gang podcast featuring Jeannie Mai from The Real. As I was listening, she was discussing a lost opportunity years prior to her success and how that rejection allowed her to find something better and more fulfilling. This quote was enlightening to me and I began to think about all of the times when rejection has spawned an otherwise positive outcome for me.

For example, I had been working in the same seasonal job position from my mid teens into my early 20’s. For the first time in 6 years, I was blindsided when I got an email that stated that my services would not be needed for that upcoming summer. I became frantic and depressed. I took the first job that was offered to me because I was so nervous to be unemployed, even though it wasn’t related to my field. When I went to job orientation, I became suddenly depressed and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I went home and cried but then I suddenly woke up and decided to apply to every job opportunity so that I could focus on my career and not my loss. When I opened my email, the company that I had previously interned at had a position open for me and I jumped at it! I have been there now for 3 years, working in my field of study and loving it.

The rejection in this case was my protection as it allowed me to grow in my career instead of basking in my comfort.

I think about my break up with my ex as well. His rejection was my protection. His rejection allowed me to self reflect and work on the parts of myself that weren’t so great. It also allowed me to learn that self love is the most important factor in life and that we can achieve this through a belief that we have the power to do all things because of a higher power (Call it God or not). I began to believe in the universe and this manifested into me believing in myself. I began to love the others around me more. Mostly, I learned to let go of people and negative situations that no longer served me.

I also learned what I did and didn’t want in a man so that hopefully I will get the chance to get love right in the future.

These were lessons I had to learn.

So, the next time you feel that getting declined for something is the worst thing in the world, always remember this: Man’s rejection is God’s Protection. You won’t see it right away, but you will soon see it manifest into a different and better opportunity.

Some articles:

http://theprayingwoman.com/sometimes-rejection-is-gods-protection/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/maddisen-k-krown/coping-with-rejection_b_2586145.html

Day 7: Next

“Your next blessing depends on what you leave behind”

Sometimes it is challenging to see that you need to leave something or someone that is so important to you behind in order to see growth in your life. Sometimes, in order to see these changes or personal growth, we do have to leave behind the things and people that no longer serve us. The minute that we release this into the universe, we are able to envision a different future and outcome for ourselves. This will leave us open to discovering our next blessing in any form by which it comes. Leave behind the past in order to be blessed in the future. Honour and work on  yourself in the present.