1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.
2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?
3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.
1. My ex’s new girlfriend is GORGEOUS and I know this too but I don’t think people fully understand how emotionally crippling it is for me to hear. I’m not that pretty. I know that there was something about me that must of attracted him but I’m not all that or that great looks wise. I wish everyday that I never knew what she looked like. It’s the most painful thing. I don’t even look in mirrors or take care of myself any more because what’s the point. Everyone will say how much prettier she is and how he’s better off and it will just make me feel worse. This is the most emotionally and spiritually damaging thing I have ever experienced. I don’t think I’m good enough anymore and I don’t even know how to try to be anymore because what’s the point? I’ll always be uglier than the new girl.
2. I know that comparison is deadly and I know that another girls beauty isn’t the absence of my own. I think when the only person to ever make you feel beautiful upgrades so drastically you have to ask yourself whether or not you were even worth anything. Am I worth something? Am I worth it? I just feel like no one will ever want me again.
3. I know this post is depressing and I need to pull myself out of this depression. I can’t sit here and make myself feel like less than. I can’t sit here and feel like I’m not worthy. I have tried everything and from the day I learnt that he really moved on I just haven’t felt happiness with who I am. I just feel complete sadness and emotional isolation. Maybe I need to move or change my surroundings. Maybe I need to stop looking at her picture and comparing my looks to hers. Maybe I just need to stop. I can’t though and I don’t know why. I just feel so sad it’s like I’m sick. I don’t even want to work on my self physically because I feel like there is no point. Maybe that’s just depression. I also don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about this anymore. So I shall keep in writing my 3 things everyday here.
1. As of today, this day, I commit myself to becoming a more peaceful and beautiful soul. I want to be able to listen more to the words of others in order to feel their souls. I want to put more happiness into this world. I want to rebuild myself and become a less toxic person. I want to start anew. I want to use my lessons from the past to shape who I am today without altering my personality. My goal is to be a good person and not a bad one like I was before.
2. My negative, pessimistic, and toxic energy has to go. I don’t have time for it anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I need to be the best person I know. That’s how and where I will find my happiness.
3. Something is calling me to work in Italy. I got a job offer to work there and something is telling me like this is the right decision for me. I would go because I feel like a month in the country I have always wanted to visit is the best form of clarity for me. I am searching for myself and my sense of purpose. I may have just found it.
Today, I listened to Corey Calliet’s Instagram video where he discussed the two things we need to be successful in life: Motivation and Encouragement. We get encouragement from others and that’s why we need to surround ourselves with positive and supportive people. We also need to then find motivation and that comes from within. These are Corey’s 4 principles for staying motivated:
You need these 4 principles plus encouragement to find success in anything you do.
Preparation + Opportunity = Luck
Stay lucky. Stay Motivated. Be Encouraging.
Last night, the most interesting thing happened. I responded to a regular, trending hashtag on Twitter: #ImProudOfMyselfBecause.
Below is my tweet:
When I went to bed that night, it had 8 likes and when I woke up it had over 300. At the time of this post, it had 414 and over 30 loving and supportive comments from beautiful strangers that I have never even met. My heart was so warm and full and I felt okay for sharing that piece of me today. It didn’t feel attention seeking, it just felt…honest.
So, today I urge you to realize that you are not alone and you can overcome anything because you are strong, you are human, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you are you, and you are WORTHY. When you are depressed you forget that sometimes, you really do. The likes on this tweet made me realize that I am not alone, I am loved, and I am supported. Everything will be okay one day, just keep on pushing and fighting the war in your mind and you will see.
Be Proud Of Yourself Because You Are You <3.
1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?
2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.
3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?