I heard this song come onto my shuffle playlist, while on a bus ride back from New York City, where I was sobbing over the memories of my ex-boyfriend.
I had downloaded some random Starbucks playlist before I left and I didn’t expect to find this gem of a song. I love Ray LaMontagne and I instantly fell in love with this song. His voice is just gorgeous. I think he is talking about a girl that he loves but that may not also be the best for him. All I know is that this song made me stop crying on that bus ride and for that I will forever be grateful.
I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.
I took very few pictures.
This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:
- This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
- Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
- I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
- A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
- Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
- I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
- I decided to change my life – I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
- I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
- I am only 23 – I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
- The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.
Thank you for reading.
1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.
2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?
3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.
1. As of today, this day, I commit myself to becoming a more peaceful and beautiful soul. I want to be able to listen more to the words of others in order to feel their souls. I want to put more happiness into this world. I want to rebuild myself and become a less toxic person. I want to start anew. I want to use my lessons from the past to shape who I am today without altering my personality. My goal is to be a good person and not a bad one like I was before.
2. My negative, pessimistic, and toxic energy has to go. I don’t have time for it anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I need to be the best person I know. That’s how and where I will find my happiness.
3. Something is calling me to work in Italy. I got a job offer to work there and something is telling me like this is the right decision for me. I would go because I feel like a month in the country I have always wanted to visit is the best form of clarity for me. I am searching for myself and my sense of purpose. I may have just found it.