Khloe Kardashian Spoke To Me

Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.

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Can I Write About My Sadness?

Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.

One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.

This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.

I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family.  I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all,  I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.

So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.

10 Things I Learned During a Year of Severe Depression (Part 1)

  1. The people you thought would always be there for you won’t be when shit hits the fan
  2. You may be too much to handle
  3. You need to deposit a dollar into a piggy bank each day as a thanks to the Gods for still being alive so you can spend it on Starbucks when you feel better
  4. Some of your friends actually have unconditional love for you and you need to fight for them
  5. Things will be okay on some days and not on others
  6. It is completely okay to cry. People will get it and not care
  7. Put anything too stressful on hold for now and get to it later. Your mental health is more important than your timeline
  8. Walk every day
  9. Take your vitamins
  10. Find a blog that you resonate with. Mine is http://advicefromatwentysomething.com/

Enjoy 🙂

3 Things (19/05/2018)

1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.

2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?

3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.

3 Things (01/05/2018)

1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?

2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.

3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?

3 Things (09/04/2018)

  1. Everyone is going through their own personal battles and you never know what it could be. Today, someone in my office began to cry because they had an emergency and I began to wonder if anyone would cry if something happened to me? I also found the hashtag #BraveNotBroken today on Twitter and I realized that my issues aren’t as severe as the issues of others my age, however, they are equally impacting on my life and well being. It was just great to see that I was not as alone as I feel, especially on a day like today.
  2. There is no reason for me to be sad at all today, yet I am. I am quite sad actually. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. I have so many good things going on in my life right now and I am trying to focus on how amazing and worthwhile these opportunities are for me, yet I am sad. I feel like a high-functioning depressed person. I am sad and depressed yet I am getting things done. Where is the satisfaction though?
  3. I have a job interview for the internship of a lifetime tomorrow and I am just as nervous for it as I am excited. I know that if I fail to get this position for the summer I will be very depressed, however, a part of me is super optimistic and sure about this. My gut is telling me that this is the push personally and professionally that I need in my life at this time. I just hope that everything works out.

3 things (31/03/2018)

1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.

2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.

3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.