3 Things (19/05/2018)

1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.

2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?

3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.

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3 Things (01/05/2018)

1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?

2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.

3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?

3 Things (09/04/2018)

  1. Everyone is going through their own personal battles and you never know what it could be. Today, someone in my office began to cry because they had an emergency and I began to wonder if anyone would cry if something happened to me? I also found the hashtag #BraveNotBroken today on Twitter and I realized that my issues aren’t as severe as the issues of others my age, however, they are equally impacting on my life and well being. It was just great to see that I was not as alone as I feel, especially on a day like today.
  2. There is no reason for me to be sad at all today, yet I am. I am quite sad actually. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. I have so many good things going on in my life right now and I am trying to focus on how amazing and worthwhile these opportunities are for me, yet I am sad. I feel like a high-functioning depressed person. I am sad and depressed yet I am getting things done. Where is the satisfaction though?
  3. I have a job interview for the internship of a lifetime tomorrow and I am just as nervous for it as I am excited. I know that if I fail to get this position for the summer I will be very depressed, however, a part of me is super optimistic and sure about this. My gut is telling me that this is the push personally and professionally that I need in my life at this time. I just hope that everything works out.

3 things (31/03/2018)

1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.

2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.

3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.

3 Things (30/03/2018)

  1. Some days I wonder if I let the love of my life go. I wonder if I let the only person that ever loved me go because I was too angry to see what I had? I wonder if I had to let him go so I could find myself again? I wonder if I had to let him go because something/someone greater is coming? I wonder if its all in my head and we were just actually never meant to be?
  2. They always say that if you love something then you let it go and if it comes back then it was yours and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant for you. I have seen love come back to some but I know that is rare and probably not going to happen for me. I have a hard time completely letting go even though he completely has. I have a hard time being happy without him in my life. I try everything. Sometimes I wonder if I prematurely left him because I was fed up? I can’t keep on looking back. Its not healthy but It is just so hard not to.
  3. I don’t know who I am anymore really. Some days I think I do and other days I completely don’t. Some days I think I am strong and beautiful and other days I can’t even bring myself to get out of the bed. I know I probably have high functioning depression but I need to fight it. I know I can. I need to find it within me to start to live for me.

3 things (28/03/2018)

1. I have to drop my final class today and I also have to finish an essay for my only class today. Sometimes I really feel like I have become a failure since my break up. I feel stuck in this place and even though goof things are happening everyday, I don’t feel like I am growing. Growth doesn’t happen over night, this I know, but I just want to feel whole again. I just want to feel like I can accomplish all again.

2. I want to be so successful. I want to earn a master’s degree and be successful at work and get a driver’s license and to move to a different city. I feel trapped by my surroundings. I am ready to leave and let go. I need to start my life over and I am craving this change.

3. I am having a sad day. I think it’s because I’m tired but maybe I’m feeling depressed again? I don’t know but I am kind of having a sad day. It’s a foggy day and the sun isn’t out So that could be it as well. I’m not too sure. I just want to be happy but don’t we all?

Van Morrison Playlist

To be honest, I have been going through a lot lately and I don’t exactly know how I feel about some things. I was watching my favourite show, This Is Us, and this song came on and it was as if I found clarity and peace within myself, even if it was only for one minute. When I later googled it, it was called Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. I listened and listened to this song over and over again on repeat and I felt calmer each time I did and I felt at peace each time I did. Time stopped for a moment and everything was finally okay. Then I went searching for more of his music and actually stumbled upon a few that I was quite familiar with. I made this playlist of my top 6 Van Morrison songs to help me calm down when I am stressed and anxious. You can access them via Spotify below. Happy listening!