Oh Grandmother, No More PLEASE

I have had the worst week.

My grandma, who has dementia, has been accusing me of things that I never did after a fight that we had.

My grandmother is very toxic and negative. Even before her dementia became something of concern, she never treated me well. She would yell at me like a dog and say quite racist things to me. She told me that there was no where for me to sleep in her home and that I couldn’t eat because other people need food. The way she treated me growing up was very mean. I could never do anything right.

When I got older, she made me do things for her every night and she would yell at me in the most ferocious way if I did not. I was her slave to do things for. She was never nice to me.

When her personality and health began to deteriorate, she began to lean on me for everything. For her health care, for her groceries, for her social interaction – FOR EVERYTHING. I was the best I could possibly be for her at the time.

I am not a perfect person. I have my flaws. But I tried hard to ensure that she had the best quality of life as possible.

My grandmother does not like my mom at all. She defames her character quite often. On August 31, 2020, my grandmother began to accuse my mom of things that were not true. What happened next I will admit that I am not proud of at all.

I began to yell at her and I slammed her door 3 times, breaking my watch in the process. Anger consumed me. How could I sit there and continue to accept the lies that she had been telling about my mother for years, especially with the magnitude that they were? It was terrible and she would not see reason. I gave her back her house keys and vowed not to return.

Do I like my grandmother? No.

Do I feel bad for her as a human? Yes.

No one deserves to be sad and alone, despite how evil they are (and oh boy is she the devil in disguise).

I am disgusted by the way I behaved. Sometimes when I get angry, I turn into a nightmare. I hate it. I haven’t had an outburst in about 3 years. I do not feel good about this.

Ultimately, it is never emotionally easy to cut off family, especially an older senior like a grandmother. It is time though. I have to let her go for my own sanity.

I hope you can understand.

I am Depressed Again

Hello Everyone! Long time no blog.

The last time that I wrote a blog post, it was about Black Lives Matter and how to be anti-racist. After that post, I took some time away from writing as I really had nothing else to contribute at that time. The reason that I like this blog is because I can write my true feelings and discuss my interests and hope that some of it resonates with my readers.

Today, I want to talk about my depression returning.

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog post on my depression. I will link it here: https://rainbowglazednights.wordpress.com/2018/07/08/10-things-i-learned-during-a-year-of-severe-depression-part-1/

Overall, the post was super well received and I got messages from many people telling me that they went through the same things and that it related to them.

I worked very hard and came out of that bout of depression and I was thriving and succeeding and in the best mindset…until last week. After approximately 2 years of being in a good mindset, my depression came back.

The thing about depression is that once you are diagnosed with it, it can be a lifelong battle to control it, as with any illness. And sometimes you don’t know why it is visiting you – it just is.

I was truly proud of myself for the fact that I was not letting the COVID Quarantine get me depressed. Yes, I was more alone than before but I was not lonely. I was finding success in my Online semester of grad school, I earned a promotion in my job, I got a new job offer (which I didn’t take due to the promotion), and I was genuinely just happy.

Then, my grandfather passed away. This may sound odd to you, but his death hasn’t depressed me. It stressed me out because a lot of family secrets came out but it did not depress me. It still hasn’t actually.

What began to depress me were two things: the constant mentioning of my weight by family members and the fact that I was not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone due to the fact that I take care of many seniors over the age of 80.

I remember the exact sentence that sent me into this bout of depression. I was at home depot with my mom, and she said the following to me, “You better be careful because you will be the first person in the family to die from COVID due to your weight”. Everyone, I am not even a plus sized person. I am overweight but I am not plus sized. I exercise daily. I try to eat a balanced diet. Yet, my family does not see that – they just see my weight. I do everything for every one and yet all they see is my weight. I dedicate my life to them, and yet, I cannot see people for fear of getting a virus.

I realized that I am in Jail. That sent me into a deep dark depression. Similar to the one I was in 2 years ago.

I started to think about my ex and my break up and what has changed since then and what hasn’t. That made me even more depressed.

The major issue I have right now is that I just cannot drive. I find driving to be extremely difficult. And due to COVID, I can’t even take lessons. So in a way, I created this jail for myself by failing to learn how to drive.

I am starting to work on my weight but I am starting to get resentful. I am filled with many feelings right now and I am unhappy. Also, my hair is falling out.

But all I can say is, thank goodness for my amazing therapist.

If you read for this long, thank you and I hope that you have a wonderful day <3.

Khloe Kardashian Spoke To Me

Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.

khloe 1Khloe 2khloe 3

 

 

Can I Write About My Sadness?

Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.

One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.

This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.

I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family.  I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all,  I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.

So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.

10 Things I Learned During a Year of Severe Depression (Part 1)

  1. The people you thought would always be there for you won’t be when shit hits the fan
  2. You may be too much to handle
  3. You need to deposit a dollar into a piggy bank each day as a thanks to the Gods for still being alive so you can spend it on Starbucks when you feel better
  4. Some of your friends actually have unconditional love for you and you need to fight for them
  5. Things will be okay on some days and not on others
  6. It is completely okay to cry. People will get it and not care
  7. Put anything too stressful on hold for now and get to it later. Your mental health is more important than your timeline
  8. Walk every day
  9. Take your vitamins
  10. Find a blog that you resonate with. Mine is http://advicefromatwentysomething.com/

Enjoy 🙂

Van Morrison Playlist

To be honest, I have been going through a lot lately and I don’t exactly know how I feel about some things. I was watching my favourite show, This Is Us, and this song came on and it was as if I found clarity and peace within myself, even if it was only for one minute. When I later googled it, it was called Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. I listened and listened to this song over and over again on repeat and I felt calmer each time I did and I felt at peace each time I did. Time stopped for a moment and everything was finally okay. Then I went searching for more of his music and actually stumbled upon a few that I was quite familiar with. I made this playlist of my top 6 Van Morrison songs to help me calm down when I am stressed and anxious. You can access them via Spotify below. Happy listening!