A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about one particular situation where I was a “bad friend”. In this post, I expand on it because I think that its high time I did. Welcome to Part 1 of many parts of personal honestly.
I have ruined 90% of my friendships.
There, I said it. I finally admitted it. And writing it down here today is one of the most freeing things I have ever done. Although while freeing, it is also extremely depressing to admit. What I am basically admitting to is being a horrible person, a narcissist at times, and unaware of my friends emotional needs. But, I think the most important question I need to ask my self is whether or not I was even aware of my emotional needs. And the answer is no.
Through the last 4 years of therapy, I have been able to determine something new, I am a Dismissive Avoidant attachment. I prefer to be alone and I find it hard to build deep bonds and connections with others. I have a bubbly personality upfront, but I sabotage any friendship that gets too close due to abandonment issues. We can even argue that I sabotaged my romantic relationships because of abandonment and attachment issues as well, but that is for another day.
I had everything going for me in university. The right friends. The right look. I was finally the right weight. The right grades. The right extra curriculars. The right internships. Everything I had ever wanted was aligning for me.
Until, I met him. My ex.
This is not a post to blame him for my behavior at all but hear me out.
The more I fell in love with him, the more I felt the desire to push him and every friend I had away. I couldn’t handle the fact that for the first time in my life I had people who genuinely loved and cared for me. I hurt them badly because I was hurting from the feeling of being loved. While this makes no sense and is completely counter productive, it was the only thing that made sense to me at the time.
In the last 4 years, I have had the opportunity to reconcile with a few of the friends I hurt, but it has not been the same. How could I expect it to be?
Now I am at a crossroads.
Do I start back at square one, where I was in 1st year university, and try to build a new life for myself with new people and the knowledge I have today? Or do I continue to water these friendships that I have damaged, that are not the same, and truly no longer serve me?
The next task I have is determining whether or not the friendships no longer serve me or if this is just the season that they are in.
I know that I am loved by many. My text message inbox is always full. My friends call me often to chat. I even had a friend cry from happiness because I called her.
I still do not know what I did or why people love me. I am not even sure that I deserve their love. But I am trying to learn to accept that being loved is okay.
For me, accepting being loved by others is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Rainbow Glazed Nights 