About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.
For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.
I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.
Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.
I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.
Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.
If you pray, please send some prayer my way.
Thanks for reading.
Link to the Poetry
If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).
I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website HitRecord. Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.
I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.
Here are a few of my favourites:
So far, in my life, I have felt like everything has been behind. Tonight, for the first time in months, everything slightly clicked into place for me and that feeling of wanting to be the best returned. For the first time in a long time I was able to envision myself being where I want to be and doing things that I love. I decided to create a list of goals for myself to follow from now until the end of 2020 (so, for a year and 4 months ish):
- Go to the gym 3 times a week
- Lose 30 pounds
- Pay off my credit card and student loan debt
- Make a solid group of girlfriends (or just friends, I don’t discriminate)
- Walk my dog 5 days per week
- Become a Teaching Assistant
- Just do generally well in school
- Find a quality project to focus on
- Develop one technical skill
- Read one book every month
This may sound like a lot, but it is not and these are all things that will hopefully make my 2021 one prosperous. I will also finish my Master’s degree in 2021, so that will be a good time to regroup and make new goals.
Hi There Everyone,
I know it has been a while since I updated this blog but honestly, I haven’t really had anything compelling to write and also, I kind of forgot about this blog.
Things have been really good in my life and my mental health has never been better! I am going to start a new full-time job on Monday and I am super excited about that, but I am also afraid of having structure in my life in that way. I love having a flexible work schedule.
Anyways, hopefully this summer, I will find interesting things to blog about but as of right now, I don’t have anything to write.
Maybe I will go back to writing about my favourite songs? Who knows right now. Take Care Y’all!
For the past week, I have committed myself to eating clean foods only. I have only bought food twice and I have made nutrient rich lunches and dinners to bring with me to work. I have noticed a few things as I start this lifestyle change journey:
- I have more energy and I am able to work longer days
- My focus has been better during the day time hours
- I am calmer – I don’t feel as angry and bitter
- I don’t have any desire to buy food unless I really don’t have any more food
- I actually enjoy meal prepping
- I still need to establish a cut of time for eating
Things are definitely improving diet wise and I think I can commit to eating better and preparing my own meals. Yes, it can be tough and time consuming at times but it is totally worth it. I will follow up with you all and let you know how things are going.
I am at that age in life where its time to apply for full time employment (I am 23). While I have landed a pretty cool internship in the past few weeks, it is always great to continue to look for new strategies to implement into future interviews. I found this article on the 10 Best Questions you should ask in a job interview to help you stand out. I hope that this article can benefit someone else in the future!