Limerence

What is Limerence?

Limerence – “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”

 

Last night, I was talking to my friend and I truly sat there and asked myself why and how I could possibly still be ‘in love’ with my ex. It has been 2.5 years since we broke up. Hes fully moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to him in this long. Honestly, I am starting to annoy myself with this. I am starting to feel like this is dumb and unnecessary. Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me?

A few quotes from my friends started to put things into perspective for me:

“When you started dating him, the you we knew walked out the door and never came back. Where did she go?”

“I don’t think you love him. I think you have somethings you need to work on”

“He may be good to her, but he wasn’t good to you and thats all that should matter”

 

As I sat here and reflected on a few of the comments made, I realized that my brain was bringing up the past and I wasn’t consciously having nightmares or dreams about my ex. I wasn’t thinking about him all day voluntarily. Why was I having these thoughts that caused me a whole lot of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression. It must be a mental illness of some sort. To be honest, I have always been a person that was great at letting people go, especially ex’s, so why was he any different?

When I typed my symptoms and feelings into Google, the term Limerence came up and I started to read articles on them and realized quickly that this is what I had. Realizing that there was a name for it and a way to move through it was actually so relieving. I think that I will write more about this in the future, especially as I work through learning more about this condition. In the meantime, here are a few articles that I found that should help to explain what Limerence is in more detail.

My goal for 2020 is to fill myself and my life with so much joy that I can overcome this feeling (or condition, depending on how you see it).

If any of you are experiencing or have experienced this, comment below!

Pearls.

I found this blog through the wonderful Harley Bang Bang that I followed on Twitter. I read this post and it actually brought tears to my eyes. This post is filled with things I need to hear, even 2 years out of a bad breakup. I hope that this resonates and helps anyone out there looking for some form of hope. I still have none, but this was quite nice to read.

HarleyBangBang

After my recent breakup, I felt all of the cliché textbook things you’re supposed to feel: sadness, anger, self-loathing, a sense that I wasn’t good enough. All of these feelings were exacerbated two months later when I happened to see my ex out and about with a new girl at a parade, her arms wrapped around him. Out of the *literally* 3 million people who attended this particular parade (including dozens of my friends), the only person I saw that day was him; an incredibly cruel move by fate leaving me sickened that he had moved on so quickly.

My mind started to wander to all kinds of negative places and I wondered whether I would ever be the kind of girl that someone fought for, rather than seemingly being so easy to walk away from. It certainly didn’t help that this girl was the physical opposite of me, leaving…

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Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.

The Most Beautiful Poetry

Link to the Poetry 

If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).

I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website HitRecord. Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.

I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.

Here are a few of my favourites:

Poem 1Poem 2Poem 3Poem 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I Want to Achieve By The End of 2020

So far, in my life, I have felt like everything has been behind. Tonight, for the first time in months, everything slightly clicked into place for me and that feeling of wanting to be the best returned. For the first time in a long time I was able to envision myself being where I want to be and doing things that I love. I decided to create a list of goals for myself to follow from now until the end of 2020 (so, for a year and 4 months ish):

  1. Go to the gym 3 times a week
  2. Lose 30 pounds
  3. Pay off my credit card and student loan debt
  4. Make a solid group of girlfriends (or just friends, I don’t discriminate)
  5. Walk my dog 5 days per week
  6. Become a Teaching Assistant
  7. Just do generally well in school
  8. Find a quality project to focus on
  9. Develop one technical skill
  10. Read one book every month

This may sound like a lot, but it is not and these are all things that will hopefully make my 2021 one prosperous. I will also finish my Master’s degree in 2021, so that will be a good time to regroup and make new goals.

It Has Been A While…

Hi There Everyone,

I know it has been a while since I updated this blog but honestly, I haven’t really had anything compelling to write and also, I kind of forgot about this blog.

Things have been really good in my life and my mental health has never been better! I am going to start a new full-time job on Monday and I am super excited about that, but I am also afraid of having structure in my life in that way. I love having a flexible work schedule.

Anyways, hopefully this summer, I will find interesting things to blog about but as of right now, I don’t have anything to write.

Maybe I will go back to writing about my favourite songs? Who knows right now. Take Care Y’all!

One Week of Eating Clean(ish)

For the past week, I have committed myself to eating clean foods only. I have only bought food twice and I have made nutrient rich lunches and dinners to bring with me to work. I have noticed a few things as I start this lifestyle change journey:

  • I have more energy and I am able to work longer days
  • My focus has been better during the day time hours
  • I am calmer – I don’t feel as angry and bitter
  • I don’t have any desire to buy food unless I really don’t have any more food
  • I actually enjoy meal prepping
  • I still need to establish a cut of time for eating

Things are definitely improving diet wise and I think I can commit to eating better and preparing my own meals. Yes, it can be tough and time consuming at times but it is totally worth it. I will follow up with you all and let you know how things are going.

10 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview

I am at that age in life where its time to apply for full time employment (I am 23). While I have landed a pretty cool internship in the past few weeks, it is always great to continue to look for new strategies to implement into future interviews. I found this article on the 10 Best Questions you should ask in a job interview to help you stand out. I hope that this article can benefit someone else in the future!

 

10 Impressive Questions to Ask in a Job Interview

 

 

 

Proud of Myself?

For the first time in over 6 years, I have straight A’s in all of my academic classes. That sounds amazing, right? Yes it does, but it also sucks that I have been in my undergraduate program for longer than the usual 4 years. I feel like I should be further in my life and that I should be at work or in grad school. I feel like my life should be more together than it currently is. While I do feel that I am behind in my life, getting good grades has once again proven to me that I do have intelligence and I can go as far in my life as I am willing to push myself. I think we all need to find something that makes us feel as if we can push ourselves past the limits we have set for ourselves. Set a goal and go for something. Maybe at the end of this, I will be fully proud of myself.

Khloe Kardashian Spoke To Me

Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.

khloe 1Khloe 2khloe 3