What is Limerence?
Limerence – “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”
Last night, I was talking to my friend and I truly sat there and asked myself why and how I could possibly still be ‘in love’ with my ex. It has been 2.5 years since we broke up. Hes fully moved on. I haven’t seen or talked to him in this long. Honestly, I am starting to annoy myself with this. I am starting to feel like this is dumb and unnecessary. Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me?
A few quotes from my friends started to put things into perspective for me:
“When you started dating him, the you we knew walked out the door and never came back. Where did she go?”
“I don’t think you love him. I think you have somethings you need to work on”
“He may be good to her, but he wasn’t good to you and thats all that should matter”
As I sat here and reflected on a few of the comments made, I realized that my brain was bringing up the past and I wasn’t consciously having nightmares or dreams about my ex. I wasn’t thinking about him all day voluntarily. Why was I having these thoughts that caused me a whole lot of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, and depression. It must be a mental illness of some sort. To be honest, I have always been a person that was great at letting people go, especially ex’s, so why was he any different?
When I typed my symptoms and feelings into Google, the term Limerence came up and I started to read articles on them and realized quickly that this is what I had. Realizing that there was a name for it and a way to move through it was actually so relieving. I think that I will write more about this in the future, especially as I work through learning more about this condition. In the meantime, here are a few articles that I found that should help to explain what Limerence is in more detail.
My goal for 2020 is to fill myself and my life with so much joy that I can overcome this feeling (or condition, depending on how you see it).
If any of you are experiencing or have experienced this, comment below!
Link to the Poetry
If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).
I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website HitRecord. Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.
I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.
Here are a few of my favourites:
Don’t we just all love finales? I was watching one of the final scenes of Girlfriends Guide to Divorce and I heard this lovely song. I have had it on repeat for the past week and I thought it would be great to share with all of you! Upside Down is a soul folk song by GoldFord and it is simply about not being able to let go of someone because of the beauty that they add to your life.
I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.
I took very few pictures.
This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:
- This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
- Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
- I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
- A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
- Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
- I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
- I decided to change my life – I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
- I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
- I am only 23 – I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
- The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.
Thank you for reading.
In order to change your life, you need to look at every toxic behaviour in your life.
A lot of people hate to look at themselves and define themselves, especially the ‘ugly’ parts of their personalities. We all have faults and none of us are perfect.
In order to move forward, let go, and understand who YOU are, you need to understand how you got to that place. In order to grow, you need to become more emotionally intelligent. In order to become more emotionally intelligent, you need to understand how your negative (or toxic) behaviours have brought you to the place you are today. Only then can you change your future.
We all make mistakes in our pasts and some are more detrimental than others. It is important to understand that we can change our lives at any moment we decide to for the better. We cannot change the past but we can change the future. Once you understand that you can make your future much brighter than your past ever was, then you can start to grow and change as a person.
Commit to improving yourself by 1% per day, everyday, until you are the best version of you. Then, when you feel that you are the best you can be, put that 1% per day into maintaining that sense of self you have created. You will feel much happier and healthier mentally when you do so.
Love yourself wholly enough to look at yourself completely. When you make peace with who you used to be, you can become who you NEED to be and your world will become a brighter place.
You can do it.