I am Depressed Again

Hello Everyone! Long time no blog.

The last time that I wrote a blog post, it was about Black Lives Matter and how to be anti-racist. After that post, I took some time away from writing as I really had nothing else to contribute at that time. The reason that I like this blog is because I can write my true feelings and discuss my interests and hope that some of it resonates with my readers.

Today, I want to talk about my depression returning.

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog post on my depression. I will link it here: https://rainbowglazednights.wordpress.com/2018/07/08/10-things-i-learned-during-a-year-of-severe-depression-part-1/

Overall, the post was super well received and I got messages from many people telling me that they went through the same things and that it related to them.

I worked very hard and came out of that bout of depression and I was thriving and succeeding and in the best mindset…until last week. After approximately 2 years of being in a good mindset, my depression came back.

The thing about depression is that once you are diagnosed with it, it can be a lifelong battle to control it, as with any illness. And sometimes you don’t know why it is visiting you – it just is.

I was truly proud of myself for the fact that I was not letting the COVID Quarantine get me depressed. Yes, I was more alone than before but I was not lonely. I was finding success in my Online semester of grad school, I earned a promotion in my job, I got a new job offer (which I didn’t take due to the promotion), and I was genuinely just happy.

Then, my grandfather passed away. This may sound odd to you, but his death hasn’t depressed me. It stressed me out because a lot of family secrets came out but it did not depress me. It still hasn’t actually.

What began to depress me were two things: the constant mentioning of my weight by family members and the fact that I was not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone due to the fact that I take care of many seniors over the age of 80.

I remember the exact sentence that sent me into this bout of depression. I was at home depot with my mom, and she said the following to me, “You better be careful because you will be the first person in the family to die from COVID due to your weight”. Everyone, I am not even a plus sized person. I am overweight but I am not plus sized. I exercise daily. I try to eat a balanced diet. Yet, my family does not see that – they just see my weight. I do everything for every one and yet all they see is my weight. I dedicate my life to them, and yet, I cannot see people for fear of getting a virus.

I realized that I am in Jail. That sent me into a deep dark depression. Similar to the one I was in 2 years ago.

I started to think about my ex and my break up and what has changed since then and what hasn’t. That made me even more depressed.

The major issue I have right now is that I just cannot drive. I find driving to be extremely difficult. And due to COVID, I can’t even take lessons. So in a way, I created this jail for myself by failing to learn how to drive.

I am starting to work on my weight but I am starting to get resentful. I am filled with many feelings right now and I am unhappy. Also, my hair is falling out.

But all I can say is, thank goodness for my amazing therapist.

If you read for this long, thank you and I hope that you have a wonderful day <3.

Love Songs – From a Survey

Last month, I asked a group of women for their favourite love songs. Approximately 50-75 women responded with their favourite love songs or just playlists they had made for their lovers or when they were in love. I took their responses and made a Spotify playlist from them! I was listening to it today and realized that it is just too good to not share! So, here it is! I have attached the playlist below. I hope that you give it a listen and find a new romantic song that you love.

This is the playlist! “In Love but Not” because I am as single as they come. I hope you enjoy!

Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.

The Most Beautiful Poetry

Link to the Poetry 

If you have been reading my blog since its inception, then you would know that I actually used to write a lot of poetry and post in here. As I have gotten older, I have slightly lost that creative gene and I don’t write those poems from the soul as I used to (or at all for that matter).

I was on twitter last night and I stumbled upon a link to a Poetry activity that Morgan Harper Nichols (one of my favourite writers) had published on Joseph Gordon Levitt’s website¬†HitRecord.¬†Many people from around the world used the formula that Harper Nichols posted and some of the most beautiful poetry written came from this. Not only did some of these poems find me in tears, but some of them also made me think more deeply and intricately about my life. It also reminded me of the fact that we are all human and we are have human experiences. This showed me that all of our interpretations can be so different, and that there is such beauty in these differences.

I hope that some of these poems inspire you and that the prompt inspires you to write your own <3.

Here are a few of my favourites:

Poem 1Poem 2Poem 3Poem 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Has Been A While…

Hi There Everyone,

I know it has been a while since I updated this blog but honestly, I haven’t really had anything compelling to write and also, I kind of forgot about this blog.

Things have been really good in my life and my mental health has never been better! I am going to start a new full-time job on Monday and I am super excited about that, but I am also afraid of having structure in my life in that way. I love having a flexible work schedule.

Anyways, hopefully this summer, I will find interesting things to blog about but as of right now, I don’t have anything to write.

Maybe I will go back to writing about my favourite songs? Who knows right now. Take Care Y’all!

Proud of Myself?

For the first time in over 6 years, I have straight A’s in all of my academic classes. That sounds amazing, right? Yes it does, but it also sucks that I have been in my undergraduate program for longer than the usual 4 years. I feel like I should be further in my life and that I should be at work or in grad school. I feel like my life should be more together than it currently is. While I do feel that I am behind in my life, getting good grades has once again proven to me that I do have intelligence and I can go as far in my life as I am willing to push myself. I think we all need to find something that makes us feel as if we can push ourselves past the limits we have set for ourselves. Set a goal and go for something. Maybe at the end of this, I will be fully proud of myself.

Khloe Kardashian Spoke To Me

Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.

khloe 1Khloe 2khloe 3

 

 

Can I Write About My Sadness?

Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.

One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.

This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.

I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family.¬† I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all,¬† I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.

So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.

Goodbye #GirlSquad

I feel like I am always in a predicament with people and friends. I am either losing them or fighting with them. Since my breakup, which I now understand the part I played in, I have found that I have had drama with my friends without even really trying. Its like I attract it just by saying something or anything.

And then I realized something.

These just were not my people.

I think if they were my people, they would invite and include me in things so I didn’t feel more alone. I think that they would tell people my ideas instead of trading them off as their own. I think they would check in on me more. I think they wouldn’t say mean things and I think they would respect me more. I wouldn’t feel like an outsider when I am with them.

Realizing that you have to let go of your girl squad is hard as fuck but sometimes its necessary. I believe that there are people out there in the world for you and for me and I will find them. Maybe not today but hopefully soon.

To be honest, none of this will matter my 30 and knowing this has taken a huge weight from off of my shoulders.

A Podcast Episode Featuring Me

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272-Alexandria Hayden.

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 MURMUR PODCAST 

As a part of a Self-Discovery Mission, I decided to Travel to New York City in June 2018 all by myself. I would end up having an amazing time, meeting new friends, seeing old friends, loving my Airbnb and finding the best AirBnB experience of all time.

I have always loved listening to Podcasts and I thought that nothing could be better than to actually be on a podcast myself. When I saw the opportunity to feature on a World Famous Podcast, I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. While it was nerve wracking at first to be going to a strangers home to discuss random topics for the world to hear, it was really a wonderful and enlightening experience and the highlight of my trip from Toronto to New York City.

Luc is an amazing host and was such a pleasure to meet. From the amazing Turkish Coffee reading to the hilarious warm ups before the show, it was truly an eventful experience. Within 10 minutes of being in his apartment, I felt right at home and by the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend in New York City.

I left his Lower Manhattan setup that afternoon feeling hopeful about life and positive about my ability to make new connections. No matter where you go in the world, you will always find new people that feel similar to you and you can connect with them on various levels too. This experience taught me that and I am forever thankful that I will have this reminder to remember the day from.

I hope to one day have a podcast in Toronto where I can talk to strangers and become friends with them. I think that would be pretty amazing. To learn about others is the best way to get to know more about yourself. I think that this whole concept is pretty cool.

Thank you Murmur Podcast. Thank you Luc. Thank you New York City.

Link to the episode:  MURMUR PODCAST