Hello Everyone! Long time no blog.
The last time that I wrote a blog post, it was about Black Lives Matter and how to be anti-racist. After that post, I took some time away from writing as I really had nothing else to contribute at that time. The reason that I like this blog is because I can write my true feelings and discuss my interests and hope that some of it resonates with my readers.
Today, I want to talk about my depression returning.
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog post on my depression. I will link it here: https://rainbowglazednights.wordpress.com/2018/07/08/10-things-i-learned-during-a-year-of-severe-depression-part-1/
Overall, the post was super well received and I got messages from many people telling me that they went through the same things and that it related to them.
I worked very hard and came out of that bout of depression and I was thriving and succeeding and in the best mindset…until last week. After approximately 2 years of being in a good mindset, my depression came back.
The thing about depression is that once you are diagnosed with it, it can be a lifelong battle to control it, as with any illness. And sometimes you don’t know why it is visiting you – it just is.
I was truly proud of myself for the fact that I was not letting the COVID Quarantine get me depressed. Yes, I was more alone than before but I was not lonely. I was finding success in my Online semester of grad school, I earned a promotion in my job, I got a new job offer (which I didn’t take due to the promotion), and I was genuinely just happy.
Then, my grandfather passed away. This may sound odd to you, but his death hasn’t depressed me. It stressed me out because a lot of family secrets came out but it did not depress me. It still hasn’t actually.
What began to depress me were two things: the constant mentioning of my weight by family members and the fact that I was not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone due to the fact that I take care of many seniors over the age of 80.
I remember the exact sentence that sent me into this bout of depression. I was at home depot with my mom, and she said the following to me, “You better be careful because you will be the first person in the family to die from COVID due to your weight”. Everyone, I am not even a plus sized person. I am overweight but I am not plus sized. I exercise daily. I try to eat a balanced diet. Yet, my family does not see that – they just see my weight. I do everything for every one and yet all they see is my weight. I dedicate my life to them, and yet, I cannot see people for fear of getting a virus.
I realized that I am in Jail. That sent me into a deep dark depression. Similar to the one I was in 2 years ago.
I started to think about my ex and my break up and what has changed since then and what hasn’t. That made me even more depressed.
The major issue I have right now is that I just cannot drive. I find driving to be extremely difficult. And due to COVID, I can’t even take lessons. So in a way, I created this jail for myself by failing to learn how to drive.
I am starting to work on my weight but I am starting to get resentful. I am filled with many feelings right now and I am unhappy. Also, my hair is falling out.
But all I can say is, thank goodness for my amazing therapist.
If you read for this long, thank you and I hope that you have a wonderful day <3.