I am Depressed Again

Hello Everyone! Long time no blog.

The last time that I wrote a blog post, it was about Black Lives Matter and how to be anti-racist. After that post, I took some time away from writing as I really had nothing else to contribute at that time. The reason that I like this blog is because I can write my true feelings and discuss my interests and hope that some of it resonates with my readers.

Today, I want to talk about my depression returning.

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog post on my depression. I will link it here: https://rainbowglazednights.wordpress.com/2018/07/08/10-things-i-learned-during-a-year-of-severe-depression-part-1/

Overall, the post was super well received and I got messages from many people telling me that they went through the same things and that it related to them.

I worked very hard and came out of that bout of depression and I was thriving and succeeding and in the best mindset…until last week. After approximately 2 years of being in a good mindset, my depression came back.

The thing about depression is that once you are diagnosed with it, it can be a lifelong battle to control it, as with any illness. And sometimes you don’t know why it is visiting you – it just is.

I was truly proud of myself for the fact that I was not letting the COVID Quarantine get me depressed. Yes, I was more alone than before but I was not lonely. I was finding success in my Online semester of grad school, I earned a promotion in my job, I got a new job offer (which I didn’t take due to the promotion), and I was genuinely just happy.

Then, my grandfather passed away. This may sound odd to you, but his death hasn’t depressed me. It stressed me out because a lot of family secrets came out but it did not depress me. It still hasn’t actually.

What began to depress me were two things: the constant mentioning of my weight by family members and the fact that I was not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone due to the fact that I take care of many seniors over the age of 80.

I remember the exact sentence that sent me into this bout of depression. I was at home depot with my mom, and she said the following to me, “You better be careful because you will be the first person in the family to die from COVID due to your weight”. Everyone, I am not even a plus sized person. I am overweight but I am not plus sized. I exercise daily. I try to eat a balanced diet. Yet, my family does not see that – they just see my weight. I do everything for every one and yet all they see is my weight. I dedicate my life to them, and yet, I cannot see people for fear of getting a virus.

I realized that I am in Jail. That sent me into a deep dark depression. Similar to the one I was in 2 years ago.

I started to think about my ex and my break up and what has changed since then and what hasn’t. That made me even more depressed.

The major issue I have right now is that I just cannot drive. I find driving to be extremely difficult. And due to COVID, I can’t even take lessons. So in a way, I created this jail for myself by failing to learn how to drive.

I am starting to work on my weight but I am starting to get resentful. I am filled with many feelings right now and I am unhappy. Also, my hair is falling out.

But all I can say is, thank goodness for my amazing therapist.

If you read for this long, thank you and I hope that you have a wonderful day <3.

Anxiety About the Unknown

About two weeks ago, I was told that the premature greying of my hairs (down there) could be a sign of vitiligo. My dad has vitiligo so when I heard this news, anxiety tore straight through my body. I became extremely anxious and paranoid and I rushed home straight to the mirror to see if I could find any other signs of this on my body. I saw tiny, pen tip sized depigmented spots on my body and I immediately freaked out.

For the past two weeks, nothing else has consumed my thoughts. I have been researching about the autoimmune disease and reading the stories of individuals with the illness. I don’t like to be negative, especially as a person that suffers from persistent depression, but I just couldn’t see the positive in this situational – and I still cant.

I have been experiencing extreme mental distress for the past two weeks. I have been waking up every two hours in the middle of the night so I haven’t had any good sleep; I have been barely eating and I have been throwing up from stress; I think my mind has become so distorted that I see fading areas all over my body and don’t know if its just an inconsistent complexion or the start of this condition. I have been experiencing multiple breakdowns at work and I have been having anxiety on transit.

Mostly though…I just want to sleep. I am tired. This has made me tired. And then I just began to think about all the people that live with this everyday and I felt like the most selfish person in the world. I currently have my pigment and I should enjoy and appreciate that. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the unknown as yet.

I also believe in manifestation. I think that if I continue to overthink and stress about this then it would actually come when right now it is totally unknown that it could be here.

Overall, I am scared and terrified. Growing up, this was my biggest fear, bigger than cancer or being homeless. This was and still is my biggest fear. I think that I can do all things and I work so hard. For the first time though, I think I have found something that I can’t find the strength within to fight. I know this already. This isn’t about giving up – this is just about knowing myself and knowing what I can handle. This isn’t something I can handle. It makes me sad to say. I just hope and pray that it isn’t too bad if it comes but I more so hope that it doesn’t.

If you pray, please send some prayer my way.

Thanks for reading.

Khloe Kardashian Spoke To Me

Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.

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Can I Write About My Sadness?

Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.

One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.

This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.

I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family.  I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all,  I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.

So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.

New York 2018 & the 10 Things I Discovered

new-york-20I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.

but…

I took very few pictures.

This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:

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  1. This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
  2. Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
  3. I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
  4. A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
  5. Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
  6. I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
  7. I decided to change my life –  I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
  8. I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
  9. I am only 23 –  I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
  10. The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.

Thank you for reading.

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10 Things I Learned During a Year of Severe Depression (Part 1)

  1. The people you thought would always be there for you won’t be when shit hits the fan
  2. You may be too much to handle
  3. You need to deposit a dollar into a piggy bank each day as a thanks to the Gods for still being alive so you can spend it on Starbucks when you feel better
  4. Some of your friends actually have unconditional love for you and you need to fight for them
  5. Things will be okay on some days and not on others
  6. It is completely okay to cry. People will get it and not care
  7. Put anything too stressful on hold for now and get to it later. Your mental health is more important than your timeline
  8. Walk every day
  9. Take your vitamins
  10. Find a blog that you resonate with. Mine is http://advicefromatwentysomething.com/

Enjoy 🙂