Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.
One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.
This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.
I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family. I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all, I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.
So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.
1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?
2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.
3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?
Hey Everyone! I wanted to start doing a weekly advice segment where I get to answer some of your questions here on the blog. It would be an ASK ALEX segment where you fill out the form and I choose a question to answer or to give advice to. It would be anonymous! My friends tell me that I give great advice and I want to be able to help others too. Fill it out and let me know! It can be about anything:
1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.
2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.
3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.
Since my awful break up this year, I have really felt confined by the space and place I am in. I am finishing up my undergrad and about to start a masters, but I feel trapped in my environment. My goal and hope for the remainder to 2018, is to be able to free my soul through deep mediation and travel.
I want to travel and see new places and create new memories and experiences. If after I travel, I am still unable to be happy with everything in life, then I will determine that most of what I feel is internal and not environmental.
On my travel bucket-list I will be attempting to visit:
- Ottawa, ON, Canada
Lets see if I actually make it and follow my travel tab to see me write about my experiences.