Can I Write About My Sadness?

Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.

One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.

This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.

I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family.  I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all,  I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.

So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.

Advertisements

Advice Questions – Ask Alex

Hey Everyone! I wanted to start doing a weekly advice segment where I get to answer some of your questions here on the blog. It would be an ASK ALEX segment where you fill out the form and I choose a question to answer or to give advice to. It would be anonymous! My friends tell me that I give great advice and I want to be able to help others too. Fill it out and let me know! It can be about anything:

  • Relationships
  • Spirituality
  • School
  • Career
  • Life
  • Food
  • Fitness
  • Fashion
  • Literature

Maybe Travelling Will Help?

Since my awful break up this year, I have really felt confined by the space and place I am in. I am finishing up my undergrad and about to start a masters, but I feel trapped in my environment. My goal and hope for the remainder to 2018, is to be able to free my soul through deep mediation and travel.

I want to travel and see new places and create new memories and experiences. If after I travel, I am still unable to be happy with everything in life, then I will determine that most of what I feel is internal and not environmental.

On my travel bucket-list I will be attempting to visit:

  • Spain
  • Ottawa, ON, Canada
  • USA
  • Colombia

Lets see if I actually make it and follow my travel tab to see me write about my experiences.

Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer

I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.

“Why didn’t you stay?”

I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.

This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.

I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…

“Man’s Rejection is God’s Protection”

“Man’s rejection, is God’s protection”

This is a quote that I have been living by lately.

Last week, I was listening to an episode of the Lady Gang podcast featuring Jeannie Mai from The Real. As I was listening, she was discussing a lost opportunity years prior to her success and how that rejection allowed her to find something better and more fulfilling. This quote was enlightening to me and I began to think about all of the times when rejection has spawned an otherwise positive outcome for me.

For example, I had been working in the same seasonal job position from my mid teens into my early 20’s. For the first time in 6 years, I was blindsided when I got an email that stated that my services would not be needed for that upcoming summer. I became frantic and depressed. I took the first job that was offered to me because I was so nervous to be unemployed, even though it wasn’t related to my field. When I went to job orientation, I became suddenly depressed and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I went home and cried but then I suddenly woke up and decided to apply to every job opportunity so that I could focus on my career and not my loss. When I opened my email, the company that I had previously interned at had a position open for me and I jumped at it! I have been there now for 3 years, working in my field of study and loving it.

The rejection in this case was my protection as it allowed me to grow in my career instead of basking in my comfort.

I think about my break up with my ex as well. His rejection was my protection. His rejection allowed me to self reflect and work on the parts of myself that weren’t so great. It also allowed me to learn that self love is the most important factor in life and that we can achieve this through a belief that we have the power to do all things because of a higher power (Call it God or not). I began to believe in the universe and this manifested into me believing in myself. I began to love the others around me more. Mostly, I learned to let go of people and negative situations that no longer served me.

I also learned what I did and didn’t want in a man so that hopefully I will get the chance to get love right in the future.

These were lessons I had to learn.

So, the next time you feel that getting declined for something is the worst thing in the world, always remember this: Man’s rejection is God’s Protection. You won’t see it right away, but you will soon see it manifest into a different and better opportunity.

Some articles:

http://theprayingwoman.com/sometimes-rejection-is-gods-protection/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/maddisen-k-krown/coping-with-rejection_b_2586145.html

Day 9: Flu

“You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick”

I think that this one is pretty self explanatory. I think that many of us have heard that popular phase, “Don’t go back to what broke you expecting to be fixed” or something like that. This phrase relates to me as I get over my breakup in the sense that the stress from the relationship and the after effects have made me sick mentally through overthinking and emotional pain. In order to move forward, it would serve me best not to look to the past for answers and solace, but to move forward in a more positive light. It takes time to get over sickness and in this case grief is my form of sickness. I need to change my environment (mindset) in order to cure myself of the pain and to grow stronger for the future.

Day 4: Savage

“Pretending to be a savage won’t heal that hole in your heart” – Sprinkle of Jesus

There is a hole in my heart from my heart break and in dealing with that pain I did treat some of those that were close to me in a unkind way to fill that hole in my heart. Do I feel better? No. I do feel worse, however, being a savage did teach me about myself and my friends. Those who knew me and knew that I was just in pain forgave me, but those who didn’t really know me dismissed me. Being a savage didn’t make me feel better or fill that whole in my heart but it did help me to realize the difference between right and wrong and I will take that into the future.