A Podcast Episode Featuring Me

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272-Alexandria Hayden.

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 MURMUR PODCAST 

As a part of a Self-Discovery Mission, I decided to Travel to New York City in June 2018 all by myself. I would end up having an amazing time, meeting new friends, seeing old friends, loving my Airbnb and finding the best AirBnB experience of all time.

I have always loved listening to Podcasts and I thought that nothing could be better than to actually be on a podcast myself. When I saw the opportunity to feature on a World Famous Podcast, I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. While it was nerve wracking at first to be going to a strangers home to discuss random topics for the world to hear, it was really a wonderful and enlightening experience and the highlight of my trip from Toronto to New York City.

Luc is an amazing host and was such a pleasure to meet. From the amazing Turkish Coffee reading to the hilarious warm ups before the show, it was truly an eventful experience. Within 10 minutes of being in his apartment, I felt right at home and by the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend in New York City.

I left his Lower Manhattan setup that afternoon feeling hopeful about life and positive about my ability to make new connections. No matter where you go in the world, you will always find new people that feel similar to you and you can connect with them on various levels too. This experience taught me that and I am forever thankful that I will have this reminder to remember the day from.

I hope to one day have a podcast in Toronto where I can talk to strangers and become friends with them. I think that would be pretty amazing. To learn about others is the best way to get to know more about yourself. I think that this whole concept is pretty cool.

Thank you Murmur Podcast. Thank you Luc. Thank you New York City.

Link to the episode:  MURMUR PODCAST 

Forever My Friend

I heard this song come onto my shuffle playlist, while on a bus ride back from New York City, where I was sobbing over the memories of my ex-boyfriend.

I had downloaded some random Starbucks playlist before I left and I didn’t expect to find this gem of a song. I love Ray LaMontagne and I instantly fell in love with this song. His voice is just gorgeous. I think he is talking about a girl that he loves but that may not also be the best for him. All I know is that this song made me stop crying on that bus ride and for that I will forever be grateful.

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New York 2018 & the 10 Things I Discovered

new-york-20I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.

but…

I took very few pictures.

This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:

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  1. This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
  2. Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
  3. I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
  4. A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
  5. Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
  6. I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
  7. I decided to change my life –  I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
  8. I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
  9. I am only 23 –  I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
  10. The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.

Thank you for reading.

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10 Things I Learned During a Year of Severe Depression (Part 1)

  1. The people you thought would always be there for you won’t be when shit hits the fan
  2. You may be too much to handle
  3. You need to deposit a dollar into a piggy bank each day as a thanks to the Gods for still being alive so you can spend it on Starbucks when you feel better
  4. Some of your friends actually have unconditional love for you and you need to fight for them
  5. Things will be okay on some days and not on others
  6. It is completely okay to cry. People will get it and not care
  7. Put anything too stressful on hold for now and get to it later. Your mental health is more important than your timeline
  8. Walk every day
  9. Take your vitamins
  10. Find a blog that you resonate with. Mine is http://advicefromatwentysomething.com/

Enjoy 🙂

3 Things (08/06/2018)

  1. On Saturday, after 5 months of radio silence, my former best friend sent me a snapchat of all of my former friends hanging out. I wouldn’t open this until the Tuesday, the day of Kate Spade’s suicide attempt. I opened the snapchat with the hope that there would be a warm message inside. I hoped that maybe he would care and it would be a “Hi, how are you?” kind of message. I hoped that after all this time there would be some semblance of love and care still there. Instead, already in a state of depression, I felt as if my former life was being rubbed into my face. I felt as if the gesture (which I think it was) was quite insensitive. I became mad and I did what I normally do – I lashed out and he deleted me as a friend. Our last connection was gone. While I should feel sad, I don’t. I feel a sense of loss, but this time it isn’t sadness. If a person can see you at your lowest point and not ask you how you are doing or even reach out after 5 months, are they really worth a spot in your life. Let it go – and I have. I may be a lot to deal with, and I may not have had the best mental health for a while after my break up, but I really did love my best friend. Goodbye dude. Thank you for everything. (I will write a goodbye letter soon)
  2. I had an amazing job interview today. I really hope that I get the position. I have been trying very hard to work on myself and my happiness lately. I hope that it shows.
  3. I really need to lose the weight this time. I do not like the weight in my face. It doesn’t make me feel beautiful to have this excess weight. I want to feel pretty.

3 Things (19/05/2018)

1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.

2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?

3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.