Marriage – Defined as “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship”. Why is this so coveted? Since I was 24 (I am 28 now), family, friends, and strangers have… More
What Are My Needs?
I am a true Dismissive Avoidant attachment. Unfortunately, I love it. This makes it very hard to change.
My Therapist believes that my avoidance of relationships stems from the fact that my needs have never been met in a relationship. This is very true. This made me ask myself – what are my needs? I don’t even know how to answer this. So, I decided to create this post to answer this question.
What are my needs? I think safety first. I have to be honest, I do have a fear of Men. I fear my security in many ways when I am in a relationship with a Man and I go to great lengths to protect myself. I spend more time focused on protecting myself than I do on getting to know him. This makes it hard for me to ever feel relaxed in a relationship.
I think I also require clear communication. I have never really had that. My ex boyfriend only told me the issues he had with me when we were breaking up which made it hard to rectify anything during the relationship. I am not perfect and I don’t try to be. I do need redirection sometimes.
Honesty would be nice. I have difficulty with that too.
Asking before touching me. I have issues with physical touch and I hate being touched without being asked. I would like for someone to ask me first so that I feel prepared.
Dependability is huge for me. Most Men in my life have been undependable. They don’t do what they say they are going to do. I would appreciate having that.
Listening to what I say I need and not guessing what I need. There is no point in giving me something I didn’t ask for after I said that I didn’t want it. I will not pretend to be grateful as this sets a foundation for continued bad behaviour.
Not expecting the world from me. I have an issue with servitude. It makes me upset. I don’t want to have to do everything for a partner. I wish this was more understood.
Avoiding weaponized incompetence. Please do not do this. Nothing will make me deactivate faster.
Ability to mow the lawn. This is very important to be and I do not know why. I would like that though.
I think that at a high level, these are my needs. They may be too extravagant. While I have needs, I am also comfortable being single and navigating life in this way. Working on relational capacities is beneficial in many ways.
My Suicide Attempt Story
This is a very hard post to write, but I think it is important to share with the world.
February 2018 – Tired to kill myself.
Why? – Because my ex-boyfriend posted a Snapchat story with his new girlfriend.
This may sound like a stupid reason, but let me break it down for you all.
I started dating my ex in October 2016. I was truly infatuated with him and happy to be his girlfriend. Two weeks after we got together, he told me that he didn’t want anyone outside of our friend group to know that we were dating and keep it a secret. Mind you, we were in a small university program and so everyone knew that we were dating. I chose to respect his wishes as I also hated people knowing my business. This translated to us denying to many outside of our friend groups that we were dating.
In reality, I was never okay with this. I was so bothered that I actually made a “list of rules for dating me” on Google Docs to make myself feel better about being a secret. Everyone thought I was crazy for writing that list and I agree that I was too. I didn’t really understand how to express hurt at 21 the way I do today at 27. The truth is that I was devastated.
Throughout the relationship, he told me that he would never post me on social media and he would even delete his Snapchat stories with me in them immediately because he didn’t want anyone to see them. I thought to myself, “maybe he is super private and I should respect that”. He would also make me pay for condoms since he didn’t want to explain charges on his debit card to his Mom, but that’s a story for another day.
I continued with this relationship until June 2017 when I would effectively break up with him via text while drunk at a Club in Ottawa, while listening to Future’s song, Mask Off (not my proudest moment). We continued to have a tumultuous on and off relationship until November 2017, when it ended for good. We last spoke on my birthday in January 2018.
I was slowly getting over him, or so I thought. I was in therapy and making good progress forward.
And then, in February 2018, just as I thought I was getting better, I saw the snapchat story while waiting outside of a country bar I was trying to get into. It was him and his new girlfriend sitting in a restaurant together, laughing. That story would stay up for 24 hours, while any story with me in it never lasted for more than 5 minutes. I don’t think I ever felt greater heartbreak more than in that moment. I wanted to die and that’s what I set out to do.
I turned off my phone and left the bar. Mind you – many people came up to me in the bar and showed concern because I looked so depressed (bless their hearts).
I found an entry point to a building under construction near my old university. I climbed to the top level and looked down at the street. I saw the cars rushing by. I stood on the ledge ready to jump…but then a gust of wind almost sent me over and I realized that I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop.
I stepped off of the ledge and turned on my phone. I answered the first call I got and went to my friends condo. My mom was there waiting for me. I had to go to the hospital and see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with “poor coping skills” and prescribed 4 different meds. I only took the sleeping tablets he gave. I don’t know what the others do.
I sat in depression from February 2018 until… well today. I cannot say that I do not get depressed when I think about him or see photos of him. In fact, I still get panic attacks when I see photos of him. I think its because he looks happy and I know that I am miserable. But I also do not recognize the man in those photos anymore. It seems like a distant dream.
That night has traumatized me for years and I haven’t even had the ability to discuss it in therapy as of yet.
The last time I spoke to him was when I wished him happy birthday in July 2018 (which I regret). It was clear that I wasn’t even a thought to him anymore.
I am embarrassed to say that I still stalk him on social media sometimes. I am afraid to be around people he knows. I have declined job opportunities because his friends have worked in the same office buildings. I am afraid to have him or anyone who knows him remember that I exist.
What I can finally admit is that the relationship I had traumatized me beyond belief. I don’t trust men. I am not comfortable being alone with them. Sex makes me feel like shriveling. I don’t want intimacy of any sorts. But more so, I am not comfortable navigating my city. I get anxious going to certain places.
Maybe that psychiatrist was right and I do have poor coping skills. Maybe I just have low self esteem and I haven’t fixed that yet. Who knows?
All I know was that writing this today, 4 years later, has been exceptionally cathartic for me and very necessary.
I know that life continues and I will be okay. My life is going well. I have a great job, I finish my masters degree on April 24, I have amazing friends, but I am still sad. I know I have chronic depression and that could be the issue, but I do not think I will feel better until I learn to love me and work on me further.
If you read this far, thank you <3.
“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” Changed My Life…But Not In The Way You Think
Everyone and their mother consistently tells me how important it is to have a Husband and how amazing it is to be a Wife. Coming from a single parent home, I could never understand the importance of a Husband and why everyone was impressing this need upon me.
From I was a child, I had been prepared to be the perfect Wife. I was taught how to serve, how to dress to impress a man, attended finishing school, taught conversation topics to impress your partners friends, and told consistently that food was the way to a Man’s heart. Unlike my friends, I became very skeptical of this education from the age of 8 and I began to look for the ultimate answer to my question – are these wives even happy? Began what would be a near 20 year pursuit for answers and I wouldn’t get them until I read this book.
“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a book about how to essentially be a better wife to your husband and why that is so important. I will admit that the only reason I purchased this book was to simply work on my aversion to marriage and long term romantic commitment. I like to research and understand better why I think the way that I do, and reading is often the best way for me to do so.
What striked me the most about reading this text was that Dr. Laura said most of the things that most of the women in my life said about marriage and being a Wife. What set me off though was a conversation I had with my Mom prior to reading this book. I came to the kitchen in my favourite style of pajama set. My Mom said to me, “When you get married, you can’t wear that type of pajama set to bed anymore because he will cheat on you”. Then, this book discussed the importance of the pajama set, even Adrienne Bailon did to an extent, and some of my friends did too. And then the realization hit me – maybe marriage isn’t for me.
See, what I have gotten from this book, friends, and family, is that Marriage is a lot of work. And kind of like a specific job in many ways that I am qualified to do 50% of because I am a woman (in a heterosexual context). I realized that I just didn’t like the job specifications for the part that I had to do. I was condemned for not liking it and made to think that something was wrong with me when I just do not want to engage in life long servitude with a male mate. Maybe something is wrong with me for that, but I know in advance that it would not make me happy.
Reading this book made me realize that Marriage isn’t the end all be all of life. Maybe having a life partner is fun and great, but I may never know. And that is okay! But the work that has to be put in to maintain a Husband seems so tedious and unsatisfying to me and me specifically that I do not feel like engaging in it.
I may change my mind one day, but most likely not now. Either way, I thank Dr. Laura for this read because it gave me new perspective in many ways.
Please note – her opinions are polarizing and controversial to some. I would say that 50% of the book is solid advice and either way it is worth the read.
2022 Is The Year I Prioritize My Physical Health
I have been overweight my entire life. I have been consistently warned about the dangers of this, mainly in regards to my social and romantic life. I have also been told about diabetes and high blood pressure.
But then something wild happened 3 weeks ago – my knee popped. Snap. Crackled. Popped. For the first time in history.
While I felt no pain, this was alarming to me. I went home and googled about why this would happen and if I was going to never walk again (I am dramatic). From what I read, it stated that losing weight would resolve this problem. I quickly got on the scale. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life and I didn’t notice it.
After weighing myself, I began to think about the abundance of mini health issues I had encountered in 2021:
- Acid Reflux (caused from over eating)
- Eye Strain (from overworking and lack of sleep)
- Urination Issues (from lack of fluid consumption)
- Constant Exhaustion (from vitamin deficiency)
- Seasonal Depression (from the winter season)
That’s just a few to say the least. But none of that hit me the way that my knee giving out did.
This is a love letter to my amazing knees. I love you. And I am committed to doing whatever I can to preserve whatever time I have left of using you (hopefully another 50 years).
I am committing to losing the weight once and for all. This needs to be the year that I focus on my physical health. I do not believe that this will be easy. I believe that I may cry. But this needs to be done. This is probably the most important thing that I will ever do in my life.
I finally love myself enough to do this.
Happy New Year, Readers!
I Can’t Make Myself Manifest A Romantic Relationship
The last time I was in a relationship, I was 22 years old. Now, 4 years later, I am 26 with absolutely no desire for a romantic relationship. Everyone thinks that something is wrong with me.
Everyone tells me that I need to manifest the man that I want. Well, I don’t know what kind of man I want. No matter how many movies, TV Shows, dating apps, real life interactions, or books I read, I can’t pinpoint the qualities and attributes of this man I am supposed to want. How can you manifest something you don’t believe exists?
I know that these issues are personal and deeper than at the surface level. Hearing that I am running out of time to find the “perfect man” is actually quite annoying. Partially because he doesn’t exist.
From I was a teenager, none of my life goals and outcomes involved partnership or marriage. They still don’t. No matter how I try to make myself want this relationship that people say I need to have, I can’t find it within me to want it.
I do miss things like talking to someone, having a built in best friend, going to events or the mall with someone, but I have never really had a relationship that required me to plan a future with a man. Nor have a ever felt this extreme need to have a future with a man.
What would that look like? Would it make me happy? Would it benefit my life?
These are questions I don’t have the answer to and based on my lived experiences, it would result in a negative outcome.
If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I went through a very bad breakup in the past, but I am not sure about the positives that would come from being in a relationship again, especially after such a bad experience.
Consciously Uncoupling with My Therapist
“This is the best mental state I have seen you in, in years” – My Family Doctor
This was three weeks ago. I was confused when she said it. I didn’t realize that I was in a good mental state. I didn’t notice that I hadn’t had any depressive episodes and I didn’t notice that my anxiety had lowered. I also didn’t realize that I had been coping well with things for the first time in months. And so I asked myself a question I had never asked before – Why am I still going to therapy? And I think if you have to ask, then its time to go.
When I went to therapy last week, I realized that I enjoyed talking to my therapist more than I actually enjoyed working through my issues. At that moment, I think I knew that it was time to consider walking away.
I still have issues and concerns, but I have the tools now to handle them better than I ever did. This week, as we end off the year, I am going to speak with him about starting the process of ending therapy. It has been a truly productive relationship that has served me for four years, but I don’t know if it is a productive use of time anymore.
My Friends Pregnancy Announcements Give Me Anxiety
Now is the time, the age, the moment where people get married, purchase homes, and have babies. Now is the time. I am interested in none of those things at this time.
I don’t date because I simply don’t feel ready.
I haven’t purchased a home as yet because I’m paying off debt.
I certainly feel conflicted about even having children.
But with every single new pregnancy announcement, I feel filled with anxiety. Not anxiety because I feel like I am behind in life, but anxiety because I feel like I will eventually be forced to conform and get pregnant too.
Nothing sounds appealing to me about being pregnant and a mom. I have never had that bone in my body or that pull to parenthood. The thought of even having sex to make a baby gives me the chills…and not the good kind of chills.
What I hate is that with every announcement, people feel like they need to say, “don’t worry. It will happen for you soon”. I hate that because I don’t even know if I want it to happen for me.
This sounds terrible to say, but my anxiety about being in a relationship has grown tenfold because of the expectation of babies and parenthood. I don’t want to be a pessimist and say no to babies completely, but this anxiety I feel makes me want to run away from all expectation surrounding becoming pregnant.
I don’t want anyone reading this to think that I dislike children. I have worked with them for years and adore my friends children. I just don’t know if I want to go home every night to my own. I find my dog stressful enough.
I feel like parenthood or motherhood just isn’t for me.
I know that my opinion is never set in stone on this and that I sway back and forth but I believe that this is because people are consistently forcing me to accept that I need to have kids, which has now made me feel as if I am doing something terribly wrong by thinking or feeling otherwise. I just feel like I have to give people an answer that is set in stone so that they stop pressuring me.
I don’t know what I will want in 5 or 10 years, but today I feel like having children is not for me.
I just want the pressure to stop.
I Only Have to Do 3 Things – Why Is It So Hard For Me?
This realization hit me this morning. (Cue James Vincent McMorrow’s ‘Early In The Morning‘).
To lose the weight that I have been holding onto, I would have to do only 3 simple things.
- Wake up early in the morning
- Walk 5-6 days a week for 30-60 minutes
- Count my calories and stay within the limits
That’s all.
So, why has it been so hard for me to do?
I think its because I lack the self love that discipline for things that need to do to improve myself come hard. And this is something that I plan to work on. When I write it down, these three things don’t seem so daunting. They don’t seem so scary. They in fact, seem attainable.
So, I am going to make a commitment to myself to begin to fight whatever demons are holding me back from accomplishing these goals. Especially goal #1.
Panic Attack After Seeing A Photo of My Ex – Let’s Discuss
I am on a blogging roll my friends! This must mean that my trauma is really coming to the forefront. If you’re here and still reading, thank you for coming back again.
I want to be honest and say that I am having anxiety and a come down from a panic attack while writing this post so it may be all over the place.
Today, while scrolling through my blocked list, I saw that for the first time in Instagram history, my ex boyfriend had added a profile picture to his profile. I had to say it but that little circle picture had me in a chokehold – literally. First, a heat rose throughout my body. Then, I was all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. Then, my feet felt like they were filling up with bricks. Then, I felt so nauseous that I threw up. My breathing felt like a Sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest, while I was stuck under an Olympic sized pool, with water filling into my lungs. I have never felt so physically ill in my life.
Now, I am a bit better and writing this to attempt to sort out my feelings.
The first question I had the entire time was, “What is wrong with me?”. So, lets answer that – what is wrong with me.
First thing I thought was, “Wow, he’s so beautiful”. Then, I began to self deprecate. I looked at my photos and thought about how fat and ugly I was. Then I thought about how perfect his girlfriend must be to be with him still and be attending all the group events that I used to. And then I thought about how lonely I am and how sad my life has become. And then I thought about the fact that I have no real friends. And then I thought about the fact that I lost so many friends in the breakup and that I missed them so deeply. So then, I thought about the way I acted and how deeply I regretted my behaviours and how I wished so badly I could change the past. And then I started to beat myself up for the fact that I was unable to sustain the relationships I prayed for in my childhood.
And then I realized…I have held on to and internalized so much of the pain I felt during this time that the simplest thing such as a photo can trigger me. So, the major question I have, and would like to use this blog to explore is – In what ways do I need to forgive myself?
I think exploring this will help me to move forward and heal.
Also, a social media break could do the soul some good too.
My Friends Make Me Feel Lonely
Have you ever had that feeling? You know then one where you’re at home, alone, and your friends are together doing something fun but you only know this because they post it on Instagram? Yes, that feeling. But, its not the first time. Its probably the 54th time. But what can you say? What can you do? Is it even worth it to feel this way.
I am here to say – yes, its totally okay and valid to feel this way.
Tonight, as I lay in my bed, I began to ponder on the age old question, what is wrong with me?
While pondering this question, I stumbled upon this article on FlashPack, Feeling Lonely? Try Finding Better Friends.
As I do not want to spend a ton of time on this tonight, and because I am writing more for therapy, I decided to ponder the headers that the article uses and refer them back to my life.
Examine Your Relationships
The closest bond I have is with my mother. Next to her, its probably with my dog. I have always felt that I was socially lacking, however, I have felt this way even more so after my breakup with my ex. I was in a terrible state of mind and my mental health was shot. I said and did things that were both completely out of character and irreparable. While I believe that I caused the demise of many of my close connections, it still hurts to see the people that sometimes let you in, more often than not, shut you out. I am not invited to much. I am not a thought to many. I think my main source of loneliness is that I am not included in a friend group and that I have lost all of my friend groups from university. It is depressing and extremely sad to me and something that consumes a lot of my thought space daily. I often wish I could not care and not interact with them anymore, but I feel that if I lose these connections, then I will be a failure.
Be Proactive and Open
I have no idea what I want from a new, good friendship. What are my hobbies? Do I have hobbies? I spend most of my time working 2-3 jobs, completing graduate studies, taking care of seniors 75+, and trying to see a friend here and there. While most of the advice suggests that I put myself out there and join clubs, groups, and other activities, I just don’t know where I fit that into my current schedule and lifestyle. I know that people say that you will do anything to get what you want, but I also need to sleep! This is the part that is the most stressful to me.
Create Space for Meaningful Friendship
I think, in contrast to what I said above, I don’t know if I have the capacity to create space for new, meaningful friendship. I know that it is important for me to open up and meet new people, but I do not feel like I am at a place where I can do this. I can’t even find time to go to the mall on a Saturday let alone an activity. I feel very stuck in my life and stifled. I am deeply unhappy and stressed. I hate the way I look. I think I am unattractive. And all these negatives don’t equate to any positives I can find. That’s probably why my strongest bond is with my Therapist at the moment. And maybe for now, that has to be the strongest bond I have.
Overall, seeing myself being excluded brings me back to the fact that I am deeply unhappy with myself and my life. I don’t mourn the past actually but I do desire a future that is far more fulfilling. I just think that I haven’t determined how to get it yet or what to do to create it. I am not alone, but I am terribly lonely. Life at 26 is not at all what I thought it would be. The pessimist in me believes that it never gets better.
Rainbow Glazed Nights 