Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.
One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.
This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.
I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family. I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all, I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.
So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.
I feel like I am always in a predicament with people and friends. I am either losing them or fighting with them. Since my breakup, which I now understand the part I played in, I have found that I have had drama with my friends without even really trying. Its like I attract it just by saying something or anything.
And then I realized something.
These just were not my people.
I think if they were my people, they would invite and include me in things so I didn’t feel more alone. I think that they would tell people my ideas instead of trading them off as their own. I think they would check in on me more. I think they wouldn’t say mean things and I think they would respect me more. I wouldn’t feel like an outsider when I am with them.
Realizing that you have to let go of your girl squad is hard as fuck but sometimes its necessary. I believe that there are people out there in the world for you and for me and I will find them. Maybe not today but hopefully soon.
To be honest, none of this will matter my 30 and knowing this has taken a huge weight from off of my shoulders.
This is my Health and Wellness tip of the day: let them go.
Let go of the people who no longer serve a purpose in your life in order to grow.
Don’t get bitter and think that they weren’t for you and that’s why they are gone. Think about the fact that they were for you for a time and that you now need to let them go because you both need to grow.
Thank them, whether internally or externally, for the time and role they spent in your life and then keep on letting your heart be thankful for them walking in and out when they did. Every one you meet that touches you has the power to transform and change your life. Grow and show yourself the power you have gained from their presence. Do not dwell in their non existence in your space, but flourish in YOUR gratitude of their existence in the world. For you would not have had the lessons you had if they were not there, nor would you have been able to find the tools to grow that you needed.
Be thankful and let them go. More people will come, that is a fact. Learn and let go of the ones who have finished teaching you how to be good to all the others.