Lately, I have been going through a very rough time emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like nothing in my life can get better. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am struggling with the most mundane of things. Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian (Yeah, I know but don’t judge), posted a series of tweets and honestly they calmed down my anxiety instantly. I hope that maybe this can resonate with you as well. We are not perfect human beings but maybe we can be better people and our lives can get better as well. I hope that this can happy for me in the future.
Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.
One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.
This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.
I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family. I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all, I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.
So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.
I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.
This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.
I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…
“Pretending to be a savage won’t heal that hole in your heart” – Sprinkle of Jesus
There is a hole in my heart from my heart break and in dealing with that pain I did treat some of those that were close to me in a unkind way to fill that hole in my heart. Do I feel better? No. I do feel worse, however, being a savage did teach me about myself and my friends. Those who knew me and knew that I was just in pain forgave me, but those who didn’t really know me dismissed me. Being a savage didn’t make me feel better or fill that whole in my heart but it did help me to realize the difference between right and wrong and I will take that into the future.
I was watching HBO’s show, Insecure, which features the channels first all black cast. The show is like the black millennials Sex and the City, which has made it interesting and provided perspective. On the Last episode of season two, Frank Ocean’s single, Biking, was played as the final events played out. It was the perfect song for the end of the season and it is also one of the best Frank Ocean songs I have heard in a long time (mind the fact that I did not listen to Blonde, his latest release). I have attached the track. Give it a listen and check out HBO Insecure while you’re at it.
Continue reading “Biking”
Today is one of my more sad days – it is the last day of my relationship. I have been listening to different songs and reflecting upon how I feel and I keep on playing songs from Zac Brown Band. At this difficult time, they are all resonating with me, well, the ones that I like are. Your Majesty is one of the bands newer songs and I am really enjoying its composition. The lyrics are truly beautiful and catchy and make you feel emotions. Its easy to tie this song to a person or event or spiritual sense just by following the lyrics. Anyways, I hope that this song brings a sense of calm and peace to whatever your day brings. Remember, that there is beauty in all things, even the saddest things at the most heartbreaking times.
Some days, when things are going totally not your way, we have the tendency to focus on the negative and have it continue to dictate our moods and feelings. This is not productive and will not help us to feel better in any way.
What I try to do, especially when I’m down and feeling my worst, I try to utter my thanks by finding one thing I’m thankful for each morning. This helps to ground me and remind me that their are great things in my life that shine through the bad at all times. We need to realize that there is good in all bad even when we can’t see it.
Try to find one thing you are thankful for right now. It will improve your mood even if just the tiniest bit.