Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.
One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.
This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.
I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family. I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all, I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.
So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.
As I am dealing with things in my life and realizing things, I think it’s a good way to document my feelings to write about three important things that happen to me weekly or just whenever I need to. I got this idea from one of my favourite authors, Ashley C. Ford. She used to write about 5 things weekly until she felt that she didn’t need to anymore. Writing liberates me in a way and so it is exciting for me to be able to write freely here.
1. I blocked my ex today on Snapchat. This was the last link I had to him (besides his phone number). Something didn’t feel right about him being able to watch my snap stories anymore. To me, that’s for friends who care about me and what I’m doing and whom I want to share my life with. I don’t feel like I want to nor should I share any part of my life with him anymore. This was the last piece to me letting go of him. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again and that’s completely okay. Sometimes a clean goodbye is the best way to find a new hello. The past cannot be changed so you have to move forward with the hope that you’ll find something better that’s meant for you. Goodbye to him completely I guess (for now? Forever? Who knows)
2. I left my friends house at western university today after spending a night with her and her friends and I feel a new strength within myself that I didn’t before. Maybe it will last? Maybe it won’t. What I felt for the first time in a while was genuine love and the realization that I have a personality that attracts people to me. I made so many acquaintances and I realized that you don’t know how the small efforts you make for people mean the most to them. You never know. You just have to realize that you are you and the best you that you can be and that is enough for people to love who you are. I am happy, genuinely happy as I sit on this bus ride home and this is the happiest I have been in a long time.
3. I am enough. I realized today that I am enough. I don’t have to feel insecure because some one doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t have to blame myself for my mistakes. I don’t have to feel unworthy because someone caused me an indescribable amount of pain. I don’t have to feel sad because someone is giving someone else the love I always gave to them. I have a ton of love from the outside and I am learning to love myself from the inside. I am enough for me and I will be enough for someone, someday who wants to love me for the wonderful thick intellectual girl I am. I’ll wait until someone can see how enough I am and I will only keep friends that see how enough I am. I love myself.
I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.
This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.
I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…
“Pretending to be a savage won’t heal that hole in your heart” – Sprinkle of Jesus
There is a hole in my heart from my heart break and in dealing with that pain I did treat some of those that were close to me in a unkind way to fill that hole in my heart. Do I feel better? No. I do feel worse, however, being a savage did teach me about myself and my friends. Those who knew me and knew that I was just in pain forgave me, but those who didn’t really know me dismissed me. Being a savage didn’t make me feel better or fill that whole in my heart but it did help me to realize the difference between right and wrong and I will take that into the future.
I was watching HBO’s show, Insecure, which features the channels first all black cast. The show is like the black millennials Sex and the City, which has made it interesting and provided perspective. On the Last episode of season two, Frank Ocean’s single, Biking, was played as the final events played out. It was the perfect song for the end of the season and it is also one of the best Frank Ocean songs I have heard in a long time (mind the fact that I did not listen to Blonde, his latest release). I have attached the track. Give it a listen and check out HBO Insecure while you’re at it.
Continue reading “Biking”
Today is one of my more sad days – it is the last day of my relationship. I have been listening to different songs and reflecting upon how I feel and I keep on playing songs from Zac Brown Band. At this difficult time, they are all resonating with me, well, the ones that I like are. Your Majesty is one of the bands newer songs and I am really enjoying its composition. The lyrics are truly beautiful and catchy and make you feel emotions. Its easy to tie this song to a person or event or spiritual sense just by following the lyrics. Anyways, I hope that this song brings a sense of calm and peace to whatever your day brings. Remember, that there is beauty in all things, even the saddest things at the most heartbreaking times.
Some days, when things are going totally not your way, we have the tendency to focus on the negative and have it continue to dictate our moods and feelings. This is not productive and will not help us to feel better in any way.
What I try to do, especially when I’m down and feeling my worst, I try to utter my thanks by finding one thing I’m thankful for each morning. This helps to ground me and remind me that their are great things in my life that shine through the bad at all times. We need to realize that there is good in all bad even when we can’t see it.
Try to find one thing you are thankful for right now. It will improve your mood even if just the tiniest bit.