Today is my ex-best friends birthday and I am super sad.
One of our mutual friends texted me to tell me about the people that were there and I just realized that it has been a year since I had last seen my former friend and I realized how sad I was about the situation. I am crying as I write this right now and I thought that maybe writing it out would help me with my feelings.
This year has absolutely been the hardest one of my life. If I make it out of 2018 alive and with even a semblance of happiness then maybe I will have made it. I feel like life will never get better than this quite often and I am not even sad anymore because I have just accepted that life sucks. I don’t even want better things anymore. I just want a job that pays my rent and puts food on the table. Thinking about the ‘more” in life really make me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. I don’t hope anymore. I don’t wish anymore. I just do what I need to do to keep on living.
I also haven’t had a good cry in a while but tonight made me cry hysterically. The things and people that used to make me happy are gone. The person I used to be is lost. I have gained over 40 pounds and I look obese. I am always being demanded to do something from my family. I am broke. I am depressed. I hate the way I look in a mirror. Most of all, I am lonely. I think Loneliness is the hardest things in the world to deal with.
So, tonight I write this with tears in my eyes and yes I know it makes no sense. I feel like healing will never come and that pain is enteral but maybe life will get 10% better and that is enough for me to be okay with.
I feel like I am always in a predicament with people and friends. I am either losing them or fighting with them. Since my breakup, which I now understand the part I played in, I have found that I have had drama with my friends without even really trying. Its like I attract it just by saying something or anything.
And then I realized something.
These just were not my people.
I think if they were my people, they would invite and include me in things so I didn’t feel more alone. I think that they would tell people my ideas instead of trading them off as their own. I think they would check in on me more. I think they wouldn’t say mean things and I think they would respect me more. I wouldn’t feel like an outsider when I am with them.
Realizing that you have to let go of your girl squad is hard as fuck but sometimes its necessary. I believe that there are people out there in the world for you and for me and I will find them. Maybe not today but hopefully soon.
To be honest, none of this will matter my 30 and knowing this has taken a huge weight from off of my shoulders.
I went to New York City, in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode and I had the time of life.
I took very few pictures.
This blog post isn’t about me showing you what I did through a photo log or telling you stories, it is more about me explaining how this was the most informative journey I have taken in my life over the last year. I had a lot of realizations and I lot of moments of anxiety but I experienced something I genuinely hadn’t felt in over 8 months – Happiness. The great thing too is that when I came home to Toronto, a lot of good things began to come to me. I found some new friends (and I will write a blog post about that soon), I became more accepting of who I was, I understood what brought me to where I am today, and I called all the people that loved me. Somethings were hard to see but all revelations were beautiful in their own right. Here are the 10 feelings I had while in NYC:
- This is going to be a great trip – I was super excited to be taking this journey to a new City and to be experiencing something on my own that I have wanted to experience for a while again.
- Music on a long bus ride is Paramount – Having a great road trip playlist sets the foundation for any great trip.
- I miss my ex – This was the hardest part. We had always discussed going to NYC together and going without him at the time when we broke up last year was actually a really emotionally challenging thing to do.
- A Great AirBnb sets the stage – My airbnb was great and I was so grateful to have stayed there. It was actually sad to leave and I did cry a bit. I learned so much about myself in bed at night in that apartment in NYC. I will never forget.
- Harlem is great – Everyone should go.
- I am the most toxic person in my life – I was walking on Broadway, looking at all the couples together, and realizing that I could have had that today, if I didn’t over react and I tried to communicate better. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to hurt other people by writing mean things and forcing relationships, I would be more emotionally sound today.
- I decided to change my life – I realized that the past is the past and I could make my future so amazingly bright. I was in a new City where no one knew me and I could start a new chapter of a book right here. So, that’s what I did. I knew it wouldn’t be easy or be overnight, but I new that I had a blank page to start on. I was going to be a good person.
- I made a new friend – I found a new friend on the evening I committed to being a better person. I went to a comedy show alone. She had just recently gotten divorced and had come to NYC for a fresh start. We were both on each other page ones. We still talk till this day.
- I am only 23 – I haven’t ruined my life. I have been luckily brought to a place where I am old enough to understand my wrongs, yet young enough to still have enough time to correct them for the better. A change is gonna come and its going to be a blessing.
- The air smelled like him and I cried in front of his favourite store – This trip didn’t heal wounds, but it allowed me to accept all of my wrongs, put forth the effort to change them, and to put faith into the universe. Maybe I will always love him and that will always be okay. I realized that he will always be a part of me and that is okay. Time may not heal all wounds, but time made me realize that everywhere offers you a fresh start and that there is beauty in all things.
Thank you for reading.
As I am dealing with things in my life and realizing things, I think it’s a good way to document my feelings to write about three important things that happen to me weekly or just whenever I need to. I got this idea from one of my favourite authors, Ashley C. Ford. She used to write about 5 things weekly until she felt that she didn’t need to anymore. Writing liberates me in a way and so it is exciting for me to be able to write freely here.
1. I blocked my ex today on Snapchat. This was the last link I had to him (besides his phone number). Something didn’t feel right about him being able to watch my snap stories anymore. To me, that’s for friends who care about me and what I’m doing and whom I want to share my life with. I don’t feel like I want to nor should I share any part of my life with him anymore. This was the last piece to me letting go of him. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again and that’s completely okay. Sometimes a clean goodbye is the best way to find a new hello. The past cannot be changed so you have to move forward with the hope that you’ll find something better that’s meant for you. Goodbye to him completely I guess (for now? Forever? Who knows)
2. I left my friends house at western university today after spending a night with her and her friends and I feel a new strength within myself that I didn’t before. Maybe it will last? Maybe it won’t. What I felt for the first time in a while was genuine love and the realization that I have a personality that attracts people to me. I made so many acquaintances and I realized that you don’t know how the small efforts you make for people mean the most to them. You never know. You just have to realize that you are you and the best you that you can be and that is enough for people to love who you are. I am happy, genuinely happy as I sit on this bus ride home and this is the happiest I have been in a long time.
3. I am enough. I realized today that I am enough. I don’t have to feel insecure because some one doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t have to blame myself for my mistakes. I don’t have to feel unworthy because someone caused me an indescribable amount of pain. I don’t have to feel sad because someone is giving someone else the love I always gave to them. I have a ton of love from the outside and I am learning to love myself from the inside. I am enough for me and I will be enough for someone, someday who wants to love me for the wonderful thick intellectual girl I am. I’ll wait until someone can see how enough I am and I will only keep friends that see how enough I am. I love myself.
This is my Health and Wellness tip of the day: let them go.
Let go of the people who no longer serve a purpose in your life in order to grow.
Don’t get bitter and think that they weren’t for you and that’s why they are gone. Think about the fact that they were for you for a time and that you now need to let them go because you both need to grow.
Thank them, whether internally or externally, for the time and role they spent in your life and then keep on letting your heart be thankful for them walking in and out when they did. Every one you meet that touches you has the power to transform and change your life. Grow and show yourself the power you have gained from their presence. Do not dwell in their non existence in your space, but flourish in YOUR gratitude of their existence in the world. For you would not have had the lessons you had if they were not there, nor would you have been able to find the tools to grow that you needed.
Be thankful and let them go. More people will come, that is a fact. Learn and let go of the ones who have finished teaching you how to be good to all the others.
My friend is currently doing an exchange in Paris, France for one year and he sent me some funny snaps while touring the city! These were too humorous not to share both here and on my Instagram! Check them out and let me know if you laugh!