3 things #2 (28/03/2018)

1. My ex’s new girlfriend is GORGEOUS and I know this too but I don’t think people fully understand how emotionally crippling it is for me to hear. I’m not that pretty. I know that there was something about me that must of attracted him but I’m not all that or that great looks wise. I wish everyday that I never knew what she looked like. It’s the most painful thing. I don’t even look in mirrors or take care of myself any more because what’s the point. Everyone will say how much prettier she is and how he’s better off and it will just make me feel worse. This is the most emotionally and spiritually damaging thing I have ever experienced. I don’t think I’m good enough anymore and I don’t even know how to try to be anymore because what’s the point? I’ll always be uglier than the new girl.

2. I know that comparison is deadly and I know that another girls beauty isn’t the absence of my own. I think when the only person to ever make you feel beautiful upgrades so drastically you have to ask yourself whether or not you were even worth anything. Am I worth something? Am I worth it? I just feel like no one will ever want me again.

3. I know this post is depressing and I need to pull myself out of this depression. I can’t sit here and make myself feel like less than. I can’t sit here and feel like I’m not worthy. I have tried everything and from the day I learnt that he really moved on I just haven’t felt happiness with who I am. I just feel complete sadness and emotional isolation. Maybe I need to move or change my surroundings. Maybe I need to stop looking at her picture and comparing my looks to hers. Maybe I just need to stop. I can’t though and I don’t know why. I just feel so sad it’s like I’m sick. I don’t even want to work on my self physically because I feel like there is no point. Maybe that’s just depression. I also don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about this anymore. So I shall keep in writing my 3 things everyday here.

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Today, I Choose Forgiveness ♥️ – 3 Things (14/05/2018)

“Burn the bridges that lead back to your old way of living”

  1. Today, I Choose Forgiveness, and I hope that’s enough. Today, I am letting go of the hope that the past could ever be changed or any different. I am realizing and accepting that everything has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to in order to afford me the wonderful opportunity to learn a great lesson and to become more in tune with my self. I am finally understanding why this happened. Not only to teach me to appreciate what I have while its great, but to also help me to learn to recognize when I deserve better. I can give the best I have but I also need to know that I deserve to get the best as well.
  2. I forgive myself for sharing too much with others about my breakup. Not on this platform but in real life. I forgive myself for hurting my best friend. That is a loss that I truly regret, but I also understand their need to let me go to save their hearts. I forgive myself for breaking up with my ex over text. No, I am not a narcissist, but I am a young and immature girl who needed to learn the best ways to communicate my pain and suffering and I have pledged to learn to grow and blossom in ways I didn’t know were possible from this. I forgive myself for hurting the man a really loved. He didn’t deserve that pain even if I deserved better. I forgive myself for comparing my beauty to that of his new love. We are different and strangers and I need to know that his heart is with her now and what I look like means nothing to the situation any more. I forgive myself for allowing me to wallow in pain and grieving for months. This pain may never fully heal and I may always have cracks in my heart, but I believe that I will find love and beauty in this life again. I forgive myself for losing my soul and self worth in the process. I need to be able to look into the mirror again and look at my reflection and say “I love you” to myself. I need to be as strong the girl I once was before he left. I forgive myself for the way I acted during the darkest period of my life. My losses were great, but my gains will be greater. I am hopeful.
  3. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I was shattered and every day I look for the glue to put the pieces of my heart back together. I forgive you for moving on so quickly and forgetting about me. It kills me that you did but I understand that this is what is best for you. I forgive you for falling out of love with me. I understand that I made it hard to stay in love. I forgive you for being mean and cold. You did what you had to do to let me know I had to go. I forgive you for being emotionally abusive at the end. I understand that you were upset with me and that’s how you expressed your emotions even if it wasn’t right. I forgive you for gaslighting me. You knew what you were doing when you told me that our friends were gossiping about me and then denying it, for it killed me mentally and emotionally and now I realize that this distancing was for the best. I forgive you for flaunting your new relationship in my face. Yeah, she is an upgrade, but it showed me how little you truly cared about my heart. You were long gone and you wanted me to know that. I forgive you for breaking me. I needed to be broken so I could put myself back together 10 times stronger than I was before you came into my world. I forgive you for hiding me. You didn’t want anyone to know about me and I will never know why but I know already that I was never the love of your life by the way you so freely let the world now about your second love. I forgive you for making me feel worthless. I should have known my worth to begin with and not tied it to you. I forgive you for the lies. You knew you couldn’t give 100% of yourself to me and I wish you would have just said so. As much as it all hurts to write out, I forgive you and … I let you go.

 

3 Things (01/05/2018)

1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?

2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.

3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?

3 Things (29/04/2018)

  1. I don’t know why I did it, but my nosiness got the best of me and I decided to watch the Instagram story of my former best friend’s girlfriend. They were all going out and having fun together, just like we used to all do. It was painful to watch in a way. To see the life I once had and I could still have had if I didn’t act crazy at the end of a really bad and painful breakup. I can’t blame anyone but myself anymore and I have to understand that this is my karma. I am getting exactly what I deserve. I hope that one day the universe will bless me, somehow, with an amazing group of friends that I will not take for granted. I hope to be able to find my people once again.
  2. Falling out of love is hard. You keep searching for the answers and the way to process your feelings faster but you just can’t find one. I don’t know. Maybe one day I just will not feel sad about it anymore. I don’t know.
  3. I have realized that I basically ruined my relationship. I kind of did have a good guy. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he really did love me and sometimes having love and support is the most important thing. Hopefully, I will find something like that again and if I don’t I will always be grateful for the time I had it.

3 Things (16/04/2018)

  1. main-qimg-65e115ac6255f3d56e5e32e69f3a2ae3-cI do not know why I still love and care about someone who doesn’t even think twice about me. It is not a productive thing to do and it certainly doesn’t help me to heal in anyway. I feel like I take three steps forward and then 10 steps back and I know that this will eventually lead to progress but progress feels so slow and bleak. Maybe this just means that I loved harder than he did? I am not so sure and I am not into thinking about the what ifs any longer. Now, I just know that I need to find more strength to let go of the past and the things that I cannot change.
  2. I now see how I messed up in my relationship clearly and I also see how he deserved better. Neither of us were great, and neither of our sides of the streets are clean but we both deserved better than each other and there is healing in realizing this. I just need to forgive myself for my mistakes and to move forward to be happier and to fully heal.
  3. I think that moving away will calm me down in many ways. I need a change in scenery and in life to fully blossom I feel. I have been too trapped and stagnant for too long. I know that in order to change and to grow and to be fully out of the box I am in, moving will go a long way to improving myself and the life I lead. I realized that the purpose of this break up was to show me that my final place isn’t where I am today and that I need to work hard and fight to become the person I was intended to be.

3 things (31/03/2018)

1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.

2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.

3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.

3 Things (30/03/2018)

  1. Some days I wonder if I let the love of my life go. I wonder if I let the only person that ever loved me go because I was too angry to see what I had? I wonder if I had to let him go so I could find myself again? I wonder if I had to let him go because something/someone greater is coming? I wonder if its all in my head and we were just actually never meant to be?
  2. They always say that if you love something then you let it go and if it comes back then it was yours and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant for you. I have seen love come back to some but I know that is rare and probably not going to happen for me. I have a hard time completely letting go even though he completely has. I have a hard time being happy without him in my life. I try everything. Sometimes I wonder if I prematurely left him because I was fed up? I can’t keep on looking back. Its not healthy but It is just so hard not to.
  3. I don’t know who I am anymore really. Some days I think I do and other days I completely don’t. Some days I think I am strong and beautiful and other days I can’t even bring myself to get out of the bed. I know I probably have high functioning depression but I need to fight it. I know I can. I need to find it within me to start to live for me.