1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?
2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.
3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?
1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.
2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.
3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.
As I am dealing with things in my life and realizing things, I think it’s a good way to document my feelings to write about three important things that happen to me weekly or just whenever I need to. I got this idea from one of my favourite authors, Ashley C. Ford. She used to write about 5 things weekly until she felt that she didn’t need to anymore. Writing liberates me in a way and so it is exciting for me to be able to write freely here.
1. I blocked my ex today on Snapchat. This was the last link I had to him (besides his phone number). Something didn’t feel right about him being able to watch my snap stories anymore. To me, that’s for friends who care about me and what I’m doing and whom I want to share my life with. I don’t feel like I want to nor should I share any part of my life with him anymore. This was the last piece to me letting go of him. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again and that’s completely okay. Sometimes a clean goodbye is the best way to find a new hello. The past cannot be changed so you have to move forward with the hope that you’ll find something better that’s meant for you. Goodbye to him completely I guess (for now? Forever? Who knows)
2. I left my friends house at western university today after spending a night with her and her friends and I feel a new strength within myself that I didn’t before. Maybe it will last? Maybe it won’t. What I felt for the first time in a while was genuine love and the realization that I have a personality that attracts people to me. I made so many acquaintances and I realized that you don’t know how the small efforts you make for people mean the most to them. You never know. You just have to realize that you are you and the best you that you can be and that is enough for people to love who you are. I am happy, genuinely happy as I sit on this bus ride home and this is the happiest I have been in a long time.
3. I am enough. I realized today that I am enough. I don’t have to feel insecure because some one doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t have to blame myself for my mistakes. I don’t have to feel unworthy because someone caused me an indescribable amount of pain. I don’t have to feel sad because someone is giving someone else the love I always gave to them. I have a ton of love from the outside and I am learning to love myself from the inside. I am enough for me and I will be enough for someone, someday who wants to love me for the wonderful thick intellectual girl I am. I’ll wait until someone can see how enough I am and I will only keep friends that see how enough I am. I love myself.