3 Things (01/05/2018)

1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?

2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.

3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?

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3 Things (29/04/2018)

  1. I don’t know why I did it, but my nosiness got the best of me and I decided to watch the Instagram story of my former best friend’s girlfriend. They were all going out and having fun together, just like we used to all do. It was painful to watch in a way. To see the life I once had and I could still have had if I didn’t act crazy at the end of a really bad and painful breakup. I can’t blame anyone but myself anymore and I have to understand that this is my karma. I am getting exactly what I deserve. I hope that one day the universe will bless me, somehow, with an amazing group of friends that I will not take for granted. I hope to be able to find my people once again.
  2. Falling out of love is hard. You keep searching for the answers and the way to process your feelings faster but you just can’t find one. I don’t know. Maybe one day I just will not feel sad about it anymore. I don’t know.
  3. I have realized that I basically ruined my relationship. I kind of did have a good guy. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he really did love me and sometimes having love and support is the most important thing. Hopefully, I will find something like that again and if I don’t I will always be grateful for the time I had it.

3 Things (16/04/2018)

  1. main-qimg-65e115ac6255f3d56e5e32e69f3a2ae3-cI do not know why I still love and care about someone who doesn’t even think twice about me. It is not a productive thing to do and it certainly doesn’t help me to heal in anyway. I feel like I take three steps forward and then 10 steps back and I know that this will eventually lead to progress but progress feels so slow and bleak. Maybe this just means that I loved harder than he did? I am not so sure and I am not into thinking about the what ifs any longer. Now, I just know that I need to find more strength to let go of the past and the things that I cannot change.
  2. I now see how I messed up in my relationship clearly and I also see how he deserved better. Neither of us were great, and neither of our sides of the streets are clean but we both deserved better than each other and there is healing in realizing this. I just need to forgive myself for my mistakes and to move forward to be happier and to fully heal.
  3. I think that moving away will calm me down in many ways. I need a change in scenery and in life to fully blossom I feel. I have been too trapped and stagnant for too long. I know that in order to change and to grow and to be fully out of the box I am in, moving will go a long way to improving myself and the life I lead. I realized that the purpose of this break up was to show me that my final place isn’t where I am today and that I need to work hard and fight to become the person I was intended to be.

3 things (31/03/2018)

1. I’m on my way to see my friends new house. I’m super excited for her and I’m glad that I’m able to see it! I love when my friends accomplish new and amazing things.

2. I got depressed thinking about him for 2 hours today. I have realized that I have accepted the break up and accepted that he’s gone, but the pain of his words and the event still plagues me until this day. It’s horrible to say the least but I will be okay.

3. I realized yesterday that it doesn’t matter if he’s doing great in life right now or that his girlfriend is a 10, he didn’t treat me well and I need to focus on the fact that I deserve better too. There was some one better for him and there will be someone better for me too.

3 Things (30/03/2018)

  1. Some days I wonder if I let the love of my life go. I wonder if I let the only person that ever loved me go because I was too angry to see what I had? I wonder if I had to let him go so I could find myself again? I wonder if I had to let him go because something/someone greater is coming? I wonder if its all in my head and we were just actually never meant to be?
  2. They always say that if you love something then you let it go and if it comes back then it was yours and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant for you. I have seen love come back to some but I know that is rare and probably not going to happen for me. I have a hard time completely letting go even though he completely has. I have a hard time being happy without him in my life. I try everything. Sometimes I wonder if I prematurely left him because I was fed up? I can’t keep on looking back. Its not healthy but It is just so hard not to.
  3. I don’t know who I am anymore really. Some days I think I do and other days I completely don’t. Some days I think I am strong and beautiful and other days I can’t even bring myself to get out of the bed. I know I probably have high functioning depression but I need to fight it. I know I can. I need to find it within me to start to live for me.

3 Things (25/03/2018)

  1. I learnt tonight that depression causes us to be fixed in our thoughts and that lack of sleep lowers our will power. Maybe that’s why I ruminate so much? Maybe that’s why I was weak when I needed to be strong? Who knows?
  2. I have an essay due tomorrow and I have no desire to write it. It is important and it is for the only class I actually have left to take so I really should buckle down and get her done. I am just lazy and lacking motivation I suppose.
  3. I had a very insightful phone call tonight with a break up specialist and I watched her video on why I wasn’t good enough. She simply stated that all relationships run their course and I guess mine did too. Maybe I need to do an inventory of where I went wrong and contrast it to the things I feel about him in order to progress more so. Maybe I need to stop writing about it. Who knows?

3 things (24/03/2018)

As I am dealing with things in my life and realizing things, I think it’s a good way to document my feelings to write about three important things that happen to me weekly or just whenever I need to. I got this idea from one of my favourite authors, Ashley C. Ford. She used to write about 5 things weekly until she felt that she didn’t need to anymore. Writing liberates me in a way and so it is exciting for me to be able to write freely here.

1. I blocked my ex today on Snapchat. This was the last link I had to him (besides his phone number). Something didn’t feel right about him being able to watch my snap stories anymore. To me, that’s for friends who care about me and what I’m doing and whom I want to share my life with. I don’t feel like I want to nor should I share any part of my life with him anymore. This was the last piece to me letting go of him. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again and that’s completely okay. Sometimes a clean goodbye is the best way to find a new hello. The past cannot be changed so you have to move forward with the hope that you’ll find something better that’s meant for you. Goodbye to him completely I guess (for now? Forever? Who knows)

2. I left my friends house at western university today after spending a night with her and her friends and I feel a new strength within myself that I didn’t before. Maybe it will last? Maybe it won’t. What I felt for the first time in a while was genuine love and the realization that I have a personality that attracts people to me. I made so many acquaintances and I realized that you don’t know how the small efforts you make for people mean the most to them. You never know. You just have to realize that you are you and the best you that you can be and that is enough for people to love who you are. I am happy, genuinely happy as I sit on this bus ride home and this is the happiest I have been in a long time.

3. I am enough. I realized today that I am enough. I don’t have to feel insecure because some one doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t have to blame myself for my mistakes. I don’t have to feel unworthy because someone caused me an indescribable amount of pain. I don’t have to feel sad because someone is giving someone else the love I always gave to them. I have a ton of love from the outside and I am learning to love myself from the inside. I am enough for me and I will be enough for someone, someday who wants to love me for the wonderful thick intellectual girl I am. I’ll wait until someone can see how enough I am and I will only keep friends that see how enough I am. I love myself.