3 things (28/03/2018)

1. I have to drop my final class today and I also have to finish an essay for my only class today. Sometimes I really feel like I have become a failure since my break up. I feel stuck in this place and even though goof things are happening everyday, I don’t feel like I am growing. Growth doesn’t happen over night, this I know, but I just want to feel whole again. I just want to feel like I can accomplish all again.

2. I want to be so successful. I want to earn a master’s degree and be successful at work and get a driver’s license and to move to a different city. I feel trapped by my surroundings. I am ready to leave and let go. I need to start my life over and I am craving this change.

3. I am having a sad day. I think it’s because I’m tired but maybe I’m feeling depressed again? I don’t know but I am kind of having a sad day. It’s a foggy day and the sun isn’t out So that could be it as well. I’m not too sure. I just want to be happy but don’t we all?

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3 Things (27/03/2018)

  1. I woke up this morning and he wasn’t on my mind so I think that this is a silent blessing in disguise. Maybe I am really starting to let go and move on and learn to unlove day by day.
  2. I put a lot of effort into looking cute and beautiful today and I hope that this mood will last. I even have a desire to get my nails done today. Maybe I should?
  3. I am going to work and then to have coffee with a friend. It is going to be a good day today.

Heart of the Matter (Book Review)

7114761.jpgTHIS DIDN’T END THE WAY I WANTED IT TO TO BE HONEST.

I will be upfront, I was so bored with one of the main protagonists, Tessa, that I didn’t really want her to have a happy ending. Also, I come from a single parent household so I really wanted the single mother, Valerie, to finally get the happy ending she deserved. She almost did but Nick, the gorgeous surgeon who is married to Tessa and will end up having an affair with Valerie, had a change of heart. I honestly think that he just took an L.

This books starts off slow, so to summarize, Tessa Russo, wife of surgeon Nick, decides to leave her job and become a stay at home mom. Cool, nothing too drastic here. Her mom warns her of the negatives of this action and how it will damage her relationship with her all star husband. Tessa, decides to dismiss her mothers claims and proceeds to live her stay at home mom life. She quickly realizes that staying at home isn’t as easy as it looks and her marriage does begin to become strained. Uh-oh.

Valerie is a lawyer and a single mother who lives with her son and her brother, who we later on learn is gay. Her whole life is her son and she does her best to protect him. One day, she agrees to let him go to a sleepover where he accidentally gets pushing into a camp fire while two other boys were rough housing near it. Her son’s skin gets badly burnt and her life comes crashing down.

As Valerie’s son is getting treatment for his wounds, she and Nick become very close, having many one on one conversations…since he is the doctor here after all. When they are released, Nick continues to make at home visits (when this is truly not necessary) which ends up in intercourse between Valerie and Nick.

Nick feels guilty and realizes that he “loves” his wife so after one time, he ends things with Valerie and confesses to his wife Tessa. Tessa kicks him out for a while but the book ends with them reconciling because she essentially doesn’t want her kids to live a life without a dad, thus sacrificing her happiness even more.

In my opinion, Nick should have ended up with Valerie. Tessa, who was becoming super insecure anyways, could not get the same attention or affection from her husband that she used to. He had disconnected and began to fall in love with another. She can stay but their marriage will never be the same and they will never be truly happy again. Valerie honestly wins either way. If she gets Nick she wins the prize of the accomplished man but has to deal with the backlash of the divorce. If she doesn’t get Nick, she can keep her head held high and be confident that she can still attract a man even if she doesn’t get to keep him under the circumstances.

I give this book a 2.5/5. Its a great book for reading in a Starbucks cafe when you’re bored. It needed more action and drama. Tessa bored me to death and the best part was seeing Nick and Valerie’s love grow. I still wish it didn’t have to die even in light of the circumstances.

3 Things (25/03/2018)

  1. I learnt tonight that depression causes us to be fixed in our thoughts and that lack of sleep lowers our will power. Maybe that’s why I ruminate so much? Maybe that’s why I was weak when I needed to be strong? Who knows?
  2. I have an essay due tomorrow and I have no desire to write it. It is important and it is for the only class I actually have left to take so I really should buckle down and get her done. I am just lazy and lacking motivation I suppose.
  3. I had a very insightful phone call tonight with a break up specialist and I watched her video on why I wasn’t good enough. She simply stated that all relationships run their course and I guess mine did too. Maybe I need to do an inventory of where I went wrong and contrast it to the things I feel about him in order to progress more so. Maybe I need to stop writing about it. Who knows?

3 things (24/03/2018)

As I am dealing with things in my life and realizing things, I think it’s a good way to document my feelings to write about three important things that happen to me weekly or just whenever I need to. I got this idea from one of my favourite authors, Ashley C. Ford. She used to write about 5 things weekly until she felt that she didn’t need to anymore. Writing liberates me in a way and so it is exciting for me to be able to write freely here.

1. I blocked my ex today on Snapchat. This was the last link I had to him (besides his phone number). Something didn’t feel right about him being able to watch my snap stories anymore. To me, that’s for friends who care about me and what I’m doing and whom I want to share my life with. I don’t feel like I want to nor should I share any part of my life with him anymore. This was the last piece to me letting go of him. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again and that’s completely okay. Sometimes a clean goodbye is the best way to find a new hello. The past cannot be changed so you have to move forward with the hope that you’ll find something better that’s meant for you. Goodbye to him completely I guess (for now? Forever? Who knows)

2. I left my friends house at western university today after spending a night with her and her friends and I feel a new strength within myself that I didn’t before. Maybe it will last? Maybe it won’t. What I felt for the first time in a while was genuine love and the realization that I have a personality that attracts people to me. I made so many acquaintances and I realized that you don’t know how the small efforts you make for people mean the most to them. You never know. You just have to realize that you are you and the best you that you can be and that is enough for people to love who you are. I am happy, genuinely happy as I sit on this bus ride home and this is the happiest I have been in a long time.

3. I am enough. I realized today that I am enough. I don’t have to feel insecure because some one doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t have to blame myself for my mistakes. I don’t have to feel unworthy because someone caused me an indescribable amount of pain. I don’t have to feel sad because someone is giving someone else the love I always gave to them. I have a ton of love from the outside and I am learning to love myself from the inside. I am enough for me and I will be enough for someone, someday who wants to love me for the wonderful thick intellectual girl I am. I’ll wait until someone can see how enough I am and I will only keep friends that see how enough I am. I love myself.

Maybe Travelling Will Help?

Since my awful break up this year, I have really felt confined by the space and place I am in. I am finishing up my undergrad and about to start a masters, but I feel trapped in my environment. My goal and hope for the remainder to 2018, is to be able to free my soul through deep mediation and travel.

I want to travel and see new places and create new memories and experiences. If after I travel, I am still unable to be happy with everything in life, then I will determine that most of what I feel is internal and not environmental.

On my travel bucket-list I will be attempting to visit:

  • Spain
  • Ottawa, ON, Canada
  • USA
  • Colombia

Lets see if I actually make it and follow my travel tab to see me write about my experiences.

The Mistakes You Make

a3a1e0eed2fb61b29d4eef4c2c319caf.jpgI am slowly learning day by day, that we all make mistakes. Some are big and some are small, but we all make mistakes. All mistakes can be forgiven, but some can never be forgotten. When our mistakes impact the people in our lives negatively, we must not seek reconciliation, we must look within to discover what within us needs to change.

 

 

When you hurt someone, something is wrong with you. You are manifesting a negative feeling that you are projecting onto another person. The answer to fix the problem is always within yourself.

 

You may never win back the affection of the people you hurt and that is okay. It will hurt and make you sad but always remember that you cannot change the past. You can take the lesson you have learnt and apply it to the future and become a more positive individual. You will make new friends and meet new people. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice with the new people that you meet.

When you are happy and you love yourself from within, you won’t make the same mistakes. Remember this, people come into your life for a reason and some stay for only a season. Maybe your mistake caused their season to end abruptly. That’s okay. It just means that their reason was to teach you a lesson about something within yourself that you need to fix.

It’s okay. Learn. Move forward. Forgive yourself. Don’t repeat the mistake.