- On Saturday, after 5 months of radio silence, my former best friend sent me a snapchat of all of my former friends hanging out. I wouldn’t open this until the Tuesday, the day of Kate Spade’s suicide attempt. I opened the snapchat with the hope that there would be a warm message inside. I hoped that maybe he would care and it would be a “Hi, how are you?” kind of message. I hoped that after all this time there would be some semblance of love and care still there. Instead, already in a state of depression, I felt as if my former life was being rubbed into my face. I felt as if the gesture (which I think it was) was quite insensitive. I became mad and I did what I normally do – I lashed out and he deleted me as a friend. Our last connection was gone. While I should feel sad, I don’t. I feel a sense of loss, but this time it isn’t sadness. If a person can see you at your lowest point and not ask you how you are doing or even reach out after 5 months, are they really worth a spot in your life. Let it go – and I have. I may be a lot to deal with, and I may not have had the best mental health for a while after my break up, but I really did love my best friend. Goodbye dude. Thank you for everything. (I will write a goodbye letter soon)
- I had an amazing job interview today. I really hope that I get the position. I have been trying very hard to work on myself and my happiness lately. I hope that it shows.
- I really need to lose the weight this time. I do not like the weight in my face. It doesn’t make me feel beautiful to have this excess weight. I want to feel pretty.
1. Why am I crying on the bus? I feel compelled to write this because I don’t understand why I am crying on the bus. A sadness overtook me today that hasn’t come over me in a while. I still feel very lost and depressed. This makes me feel unable to operate at full capacity sometimes. I have never been this dispositioned in my life.
2. I find my mind to be a very sad and toxic place. Sometimes I think my thoughts are getting healthier but that only lasts for a few hours. I wonder what it would be like to be happy for a whole week? I wonder what that would look like? I remember the last time I was really happy. It was in September 2017. Isn’t it sad that it has been months since I’ve been able to be happy?
3. I have started to distance myself from my friends because I feel like this is a conclusion and a place I need to get to on my own. I cannot keep burdening them. I have to find happiness for myself on my own. I think they have helped me enough. My sadness cannot bring them down any longer.
1. As of today, this day, I commit myself to becoming a more peaceful and beautiful soul. I want to be able to listen more to the words of others in order to feel their souls. I want to put more happiness into this world. I want to rebuild myself and become a less toxic person. I want to start anew. I want to use my lessons from the past to shape who I am today without altering my personality. My goal is to be a good person and not a bad one like I was before.
2. My negative, pessimistic, and toxic energy has to go. I don’t have time for it anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I need to be the best person I know. That’s how and where I will find my happiness.
3. Something is calling me to work in Italy. I got a job offer to work there and something is telling me like this is the right decision for me. I would go because I feel like a month in the country I have always wanted to visit is the best form of clarity for me. I am searching for myself and my sense of purpose. I may have just found it.
1. I am so angry at my ex today. I don’t know why. I have this overwhelming anger towards him today, almost resembling hate. This is the most angry I have been at him in all the months since our breakup. I just yelled and threw things and then broke down and cried. I guess this is a part of the healing too?
2. I have been really down on myself lately. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I don’t know if I’m doing okay or if I’m moving forward. I don’t know the difference between happy and sad anymore. I’m just angry but also very upset.
3. My head is a very sad world to live in these days. Imagine living in a mental world where you could feel and accept the love given to you? Imagine. I have lost so much of myself in losing him and how sad of a world is that to live in?
- I don’t know why I did it, but my nosiness got the best of me and I decided to watch the Instagram story of my former best friend’s girlfriend. They were all going out and having fun together, just like we used to all do. It was painful to watch in a way. To see the life I once had and I could still have had if I didn’t act crazy at the end of a really bad and painful breakup. I can’t blame anyone but myself anymore and I have to understand that this is my karma. I am getting exactly what I deserve. I hope that one day the universe will bless me, somehow, with an amazing group of friends that I will not take for granted. I hope to be able to find my people once again.
- Falling out of love is hard. You keep searching for the answers and the way to process your feelings faster but you just can’t find one. I don’t know. Maybe one day I just will not feel sad about it anymore. I don’t know.
- I have realized that I basically ruined my relationship. I kind of did have a good guy. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he really did love me and sometimes having love and support is the most important thing. Hopefully, I will find something like that again and if I don’t I will always be grateful for the time I had it.
- I do not know why I still love and care about someone who doesn’t even think twice about me. It is not a productive thing to do and it certainly doesn’t help me to heal in anyway. I feel like I take three steps forward and then 10 steps back and I know that this will eventually lead to progress but progress feels so slow and bleak. Maybe this just means that I loved harder than he did? I am not so sure and I am not into thinking about the what ifs any longer. Now, I just know that I need to find more strength to let go of the past and the things that I cannot change.
- I now see how I messed up in my relationship clearly and I also see how he deserved better. Neither of us were great, and neither of our sides of the streets are clean but we both deserved better than each other and there is healing in realizing this. I just need to forgive myself for my mistakes and to move forward to be happier and to fully heal.
- I think that moving away will calm me down in many ways. I need a change in scenery and in life to fully blossom I feel. I have been too trapped and stagnant for too long. I know that in order to change and to grow and to be fully out of the box I am in, moving will go a long way to improving myself and the life I lead. I realized that the purpose of this break up was to show me that my final place isn’t where I am today and that I need to work hard and fight to become the person I was intended to be.
- Everyone is going through their own personal battles and you never know what it could be. Today, someone in my office began to cry because they had an emergency and I began to wonder if anyone would cry if something happened to me? I also found the hashtag #BraveNotBroken today on Twitter and I realized that my issues aren’t as severe as the issues of others my age, however, they are equally impacting on my life and well being. It was just great to see that I was not as alone as I feel, especially on a day like today.
- There is no reason for me to be sad at all today, yet I am. I am quite sad actually. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. I have so many good things going on in my life right now and I am trying to focus on how amazing and worthwhile these opportunities are for me, yet I am sad. I feel like a high-functioning depressed person. I am sad and depressed yet I am getting things done. Where is the satisfaction though?
- I have a job interview for the internship of a lifetime tomorrow and I am just as nervous for it as I am excited. I know that if I fail to get this position for the summer I will be very depressed, however, a part of me is super optimistic and sure about this. My gut is telling me that this is the push personally and professionally that I need in my life at this time. I just hope that everything works out.