- On Saturday, after 5 months of radio silence, my former best friend sent me a snapchat of all of my former friends hanging out. I wouldn’t open this until the Tuesday, the day of Kate Spade’s suicide attempt. I opened the snapchat with the hope that there would be a warm message inside. I hoped that maybe he would care and it would be a “Hi, how are you?” kind of message. I hoped that after all this time there would be some semblance of love and care still there. Instead, already in a state of depression, I felt as if my former life was being rubbed into my face. I felt as if the gesture (which I think it was) was quite insensitive. I became mad and I did what I normally do – I lashed out and he deleted me as a friend. Our last connection was gone. While I should feel sad, I don’t. I feel a sense of loss, but this time it isn’t sadness. If a person can see you at your lowest point and not ask you how you are doing or even reach out after 5 months, are they really worth a spot in your life. Let it go – and I have. I may be a lot to deal with, and I may not have had the best mental health for a while after my break up, but I really did love my best friend. Goodbye dude. Thank you for everything. (I will write a goodbye letter soon)
- I had an amazing job interview today. I really hope that I get the position. I have been trying very hard to work on myself and my happiness lately. I hope that it shows.
- I really need to lose the weight this time. I do not like the weight in my face. It doesn’t make me feel beautiful to have this excess weight. I want to feel pretty.
I was watching the TV show Scandal and this song started playing. At first, I listened to the song and I thought it was beautiful at first. Later, I added it to my Spotify playlist and really listened to it for the first time. This song has truly resonated with me in my heartbreak. I was brought to tears. You never think that someone will leave you when everything is good and nothing you say or ask can ever make them turn around and stay. You will question everything that went wrong and everything that you could have changed but that will never bring them back.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I ask myself this question everyday. Why didn’t I stay at first and why didn’t he stay at the end. We can torture ourselves forever with these questions and try to find answers but that only stops our growth forward.
This song is the lyrical embodiment of heartbreak. Using the changes of the seasons to describe lost love is perfect. As we go through the changing seasons without the one we love we will learn new things about ourselves and our place in our relationship and be able to move forward and grow. Always move forward and never back and even if you move back, remember the sun will come out tomorrow and a new season will come and you will be just fine my dear.
I never dreamed you’d leave in summer, but now I find my love has gone away. Why didn’t you stay…
I was watching HBO’s show, Insecure, which features the channels first all black cast. The show is like the black millennials Sex and the City, which has made it interesting and provided perspective. On the Last episode of season two, Frank Ocean’s single, Biking, was played as the final events played out. It was the perfect song for the end of the season and it is also one of the best Frank Ocean songs I have heard in a long time (mind the fact that I did not listen to Blonde, his latest release). I have attached the track. Give it a listen and check out HBO Insecure while you’re at it.
On August 29, I had the experience of a lifetime. I got to go to my first large venue concert at the Budweiser Stage in Toronto, ON and listen to one of my favourite musicians perform live. On one of his later stops on the Search for Everything tour, John Mayer gave a beautiful performance. What I enjoyed the most was that he focused mostly on his ability to play the guitar more than the vocals. I became more mesmerized with every guitar solo I heard him play. I got to hear some of my old favourites like Daughters, Waiting on a World to change and Gravity, but I was also exposed to a couple of new songs I enjoyed such as: Never on the day you leave, and Emoji of a Wave. I hope that you’ll give some of my videos a listen And I hope that whether you like him or not, John’s music can resonate with you in some way.
To be honest, I have been going through a lot lately and I don’t exactly know how I feel about some things. I was watching my favourite show, This Is Us, and this song came on and it was as if I found clarity and peace within myself, even if it was only for one minute. When I later googled it, it was called Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. I listened and listened to this song over and over again on repeat and I felt calmer each time I did and I felt at peace each time I did. Time stopped for a moment and everything was finally okay. Then I went searching for more of his music and actually stumbled upon a few that I was quite familiar with. I made this playlist of my top 6 Van Morrison songs to help me calm down when I am stressed and anxious. You can access them via Spotify below. Happy listening!